What will it take?

Here I am, on the last weekend before I return to work from a full week off of work. I feel absolutely worthless.

It is a weird thing to realize that you have absolutely nothing to look forward to anymore. Work is becoming tedious, boring, and at times insane, particularly with one person I work with, who has absolutely no idea how productions work, other than pushing people to make it happen. Every one of her projects screws up, and there's a reason for it.

But there is another side to this problem. I have no life. None at all. No social life, no ambitions, nothing. Just empty space.

The month of May seems to be a challenging month for me, as the diet/exercise thing ground to a halt. I tend to blame it on stress at work, as I am a stress eater, but honestly it's much more than that. I just stopped caring.

I know part of it is the knowledge that in just a couple of weeks, it will be 20 years since I graduated from high school. 20 years! Fuck, that makes me feel old. And worthless. I haven't done anything with my life. The job is routine and blah, I didn't succeed in love (if that even exists, which I doubt it does, to be honest with you), no fun, it would seem.

Trying to heal from the bullying I experienced as a kid did not happen and it has consumed a huge part of my life. But I have also become somewhat of a prude as well. I find it weird seeing other people having fun and tend to point out what's wrong with these damned kids today, but really I have no life myself, so who am I to judge?

I just don't know what it will take for me to be happy. Does happiness exist? Does love?

It's hard to stick to my health goals when I feel like the floor of a taxi cab. When I am just sitting around at home, watching TV, watching the wheels go round and round, and not having a life.

I am seriously depressed and have no idea how to get out of this. How do you find drive? How does one become happy with whatever life gives them? It seems like life keeps taking a crap on me.

Is it me? Is there fundamentally something wrong with me? Is there a reason why all of those kids made fun of me in school?

Am I really ugly? Is there no hope for the ugly people in society? Is there any hope for me at all?

I don't know, Linus, I just don't know.