Limbo

Hey all... It's been a weird month of unemployment for me. I've been through a roller coaster of emotions about it. I'm sure at times I seem almost manic. I go from one extreme to the next, and it doesn't seem to matter one way or the other. I feel like I'm stuck in limbo, hence the title of this post.

Honestly, I've really been struggling. I went from feeling super optimistic about my chances with my new network of amazing people, to worrying if I will ever work again. The Depression Beast has unfortunately sunk its claws in me once again... Although to be honest with myself, it has been for a very long time. I'm genuinely terrified at the moment and have no idea where to go from here.

I have been saying for some time now that it's been a dream of mine to work in some capacity in film and/or animation fields. It has also been a dream to work as a writer, although I have no idea how to get paid for writing, and of course the Depression Beast likes to whisper in my ears that no one is really interested in anything I would have to say. I'm a nobody, after all. I always wanted to be a somebody. But I am a nobody.

Oh, but that's nonsense, you might say. Everybody is somebody! But it's true to me. I think it stems from being severely bullied as a kid. I had this drive to prove myself to the world. I'll show them! I'll show them all!

It has been this hidden desire my whole life. It's been there all throughout college and my working career. I wanted to be an artist, only I'm not really good at it. I wanted to be a graphic designer, but I've never been given that role title and often am told I'm not really good at it. I wanted to be a writer, only that voice of the Depression Beast tells me I suck at it and no one would be interested in anything I would have to say. Then I wanted to be an animator, only again I suck at drawing and most of animation school is drawing. At every instance of chasing after my desires, I have been faced with my own destruction.

After my last blog post, I know I sounded optimistic. And indeed I was. I came off of a successful launch of the Faces of Richmond project and was given a lot of positive feedback about myself and my abilities. I allowed myself to finally feel like maybe I could finally chase after my dreams.

Here's the thing, though. I don't really know what my dream is. How do you chase after something when you don't know what that something is? By doing what I've been doing for 46 years, I suppose. Pretending to be someone I'm not.

I was raised as a Gen-X kid. Lots of TV and movies have shaped my life. If I didn't struggle with reading thanks to my ADD, I probably would have been into reading as well. I have loved superheroes my whole life, and I know I always will. This is a fact about me. For a time, I felt more of a DC Comics fan than anything else, but the Marvel Cinematic Universe has turned me into an all superheroes fan. I really wish DC (well, Warner Bros.) would get their shit together and do what Marvel has done. Seriously, the fans voted Zack Snyder's Justice League (4 hour movie that is the most amazing movie ever) as the best movie around. He should be leading the team. But I digress. This is just a fan geek girl's opinions and I mean nothing.

I suppose growing up on TV and movies started to give me the idea that I wanted something to do with it. The invention of DVDs and the behind the scenes specials also made me want to be a part of that environment. Everyone always says being a part of [fill in the blank show/movie] was an amazing experience and they all felt like a family. I think that's why I had that desire to be a part of that world. To finally feel like I belonged somewhere.

Many years ago, when I was facing the sting of a defeat and feeling pretty low about myself, I picked up Wil Wheaton's Just a Geek book and read it, cover to cover. I had been a fan of his blog since I discovered it. Really, he's a huge inspiration to me, and my own blogging would never have existed at all if I didn't draw some inspiration from his. I loved how open and honest he was being (although even he acknowledges not completely open and honest, especially to himself), especially about his struggle to Prove to Everyone that Quitting Star Trek Wasn't a Mistake, and his voice of Self-Doubt. I so resonated with that.

I have also had that desire to Prove to Everyone, although not in his context. Because I was bullied so badly as a kid and felt so alone, I had this unconscious desire to Prove to Everyone I was Going to be Big Someday and They'll All Regret How Poorly They Treated Me. I've been bouncing around from one disappointment in life to another. When I was a kid, I even thought my "dream job" would be working at the Calgary Sun making ads. The funny thing is, I did get that dream. My very first job was working for the Calgary Sun, designing ads. Of course, reality set it and I realized it was run by what I termed "bully bosses" who really didn't respect anyone working there. We were all replaceable. And the thing that drove me crazy was there was no loyalty to people who stayed on for more than half a year. Those people had their hours cut down and when business would pick up again, instead of reinstating full-time hours, they'd hire new people full-time and we'd still be working part-time. It was utter nonsense. Plus the big boss of the department was a huge asshole who didn't like that I was a vegetarian, as he had his own side business of slaughtering cows or something, and would constantly make me feel like I didn't belong there. That Dream Job turned into a bit of a nightmare. A "be careful what you wish for" thing. In reality, I never really knew what working was supposed to look like, so I'm trying not to be too hard on the young girl who dreamed of this job.

Perhaps not surprising at all, I have recently purchased Wil Wheaton's newest version of his memoir, now called Still Just a Geek: An Annotated Memoir. I'm still reading through it and have just gotten to the Epilogue section of the book, so please no spoilers to those who have finished reading it. I remembered how inspiring reading his book the first time around was to me back when I needed it. It brought me some comfort in knowing that even someone as big as Wil Wheaton struggled with that Prove to Everyone, and voice of Self-Doubt. I also know he is very aware of how his words have helped a lot of people out there and this is why he still tells the story, although updated with a lot more maturity in his annotations. I'm hoping that reading it this time around will also help me figure out my path and inspire me in some way once again.

So far, it's not helping. I mean he was in his late 20s when he realized he didn't want to be an actor anymore and wanted to be a writer and it scared him to think of how to change directions at that age. I'm 46 and still haven't figured out what I truly want in my life. I don't know if I ever will figure that out.

Perhaps I need a life coach. That sounds expensive, the voice of Self-Doubt says to me. How does one figure out what they truly want in life? Without the Prove to Everyone voice influencing my life?

So here I am. Week 5 of unemployment. Feeling quite scared and insecure, not knowing if I will ever work again. Constantly plagued by a messy home that is begging me to clean and organize it, but fear keeps me from doing it. Fear and the Depression Beast, I guess. That Beast has had its claws in my for years, whether I wanted to acknowledge it or not. It's really where the voice of Self-Doubt was born from.

As I wrote that last line, a scene from one of my all-time favourite movies came to my mind. The Never-ending Story. I've seen that movie so many times and every time I get something new from it, so I want to capture that scene that popped into my mind.

It's where Bastian is reading the book and realizes that he's the one they are talking about in the book. The person who has the power to stop the Nothing. He simply has to name the Empress. But he doesn't know what to do.

"Maybe he doesn't know what he's supposed to do?" says Atreyu.

"What am I supposed to do?" yells Bastian.

I guess I'm hoping reading Still Just A Geek will have this same impact on me somehow. I don't know if it will, but if I gathered some inspiration from it before, I can always hope it does again.

In the meantime, here I am, stuck in limbo. I am so scared of starting over at 46 and not knowing what that even would look like. I don't know if I will ever work again. I don't know where my life will go or what will happen to me. I'm petrified.

Anyway, thanks for reading, for those who do. I think I'll pick up the book again and start reading. Until next time.