Relaxation

I am winding up a week off of work, as I decided to take a break. We basically got a new HR program at work and I can now know precisely how much time I have off for the whole year. I have to give myself a mental note to take some time off here and there, mostly to clear up my head and rest.

Since COVID-19 hit us, life has been very chaotic. First, China shut everything down for 2 months straight trying to contain this beast. Honestly, they should have done so before Chinese New Year hit, because that's when everyone went home and got sick. But the government was too busy denying that this thing even existed that it got out of hand. Having said that, I'm not really blaming this disease on China like some people out there are. It just hit them first. That could have easily hit us first. That's the nature of airborne diseases, really. They can get passed down from wild animals, and wild animals don't have any idea how national borders work.

Shortly after, it got worse. It spread. Our company decided to shut down our hours to half the time we normally had. I had already had my hours cut down because of massive absenteeism on my part, having to deal with a very unmotivated mindset, coupled with severe depression and anxiety that made it seem like such a task to just get out of bed some days.

During the summer, we suddenly got busier and I found myself working more hours than I should have worked to ensure the work would get done. I felt that I was showing a huge commitment by doing so and that it would make things better for me once work returned to normal hours.

September of 2020 hit, our work went back to normal hours. But I got sick. I had an intense fever, felt sweaty and hot, weak, and sleepy. As all the experts were saying, and indeed signs posted around work, if you feel sick, stay home. So I did. For a few days. I called the health link line in BC and they advised me to get tested and to self-quarantine for 10 days from initial symptom date. Then I finally decided to get up and get tested to see if this was COVID or not. Thankfully, it was not. But I was still advised to quarantine until the 10 days were up.

When I was able to return to work, I assumed full-time hours would be back in play, but once again, because of my absents, I was still on part-time hours that happened before COVID hit, which was 3 days a week. This made me angry because I was following our government's advice on how to deal with this, but I reluctantly agreed, because again, I was still feeling somewhat demotivated and depressed.

During this whole time, money began to get tight. I had decided previously to cash out my tax-free savings account to withdraw my money, as I had managed to save and grow through investments $10,000 and I lost $1,000 in 3 weeks when the economy tanked. I was living very reserved, as my gas usage went down and I only got what was absolutely necessary. I was also told at work that I had no choice but to sign up for the governments CERB payments to help with the costs of the pandemic. I really didn't want to do this, as I knew eventually the tax would be astronomical the next year, as for some stupid reason the government decided not to take tax out of that money. But it was either that, or face a full lay-off from work, so I reluctantly agreed to it.

Another thing going on was of course the nightmare of the previous 4 years of having to deal with hearing all the crazy crap Donald Trump was doing. Daily. Every single day he said or did something that caused a media frenzy in some weird way. It was a fucking nightmare. I honestly have never liked Donald Trump. I remember even when I was a kid I didn't understand why he got so much attention. I mean, who wouldn't make a ton of money in real estate in New York? And why does money make you important enough to pay attention to in the first place? So these past few years of him being everywhere has been exhausting. Constant fights and division online. I even had to stop watching Stephen Colbert because I just couldn't take getting this daily crap all the time. My mental health was already struggling well before Trump got into politics, but it definitely hurt more when he did. Ever since Biden won the election, it has felt like a huge weight has been lifted off of my brain. He's not perfect, but the silence and no daily Twitter meltdowns over SNL or some other crazy shit, have been such a relief to my mental wellness.

In many ways, 2021 has been worse than 2020. I certainly don't mean to cheapen anyone's pain over the loss of loved ones, but this year has seen many challenges that affect my work. It began early in the year, when shipping container shortages happened in China. After November of 2020, almost all containers went out overseas to deal mostly with holiday shopping. This is normal for our world. What isn't normal is that China was not producing as many shipping containers as they had done previously for whatever reason. This led to some backlogs.

Meanwhile, my mental health continued to go down a steep downward spiral of a path. I was feeling hopeless and depression was getting out of control. When I did my taxes, I discovered I would own the government a lot of money back from all those CERB payments I was forced to take. That became a last straw moment for me. I suddenly felt like giving up. Why am I doing this? I don't even know why I even bother? The system has always been rigged against me. Why do people like Donald Trump get away with never having to pay taxes? I'll never get ahead. Life sucks. I hate my job! I hate my life! I give up!

My absenteeism became absolutely terrible in March, to the point that I was not even calling in to say I wouldn't be coming in. I was stuck in bed with all of these negative thoughts permeating through my mind. I didn't think I was important enough or my job was. I could easily be replaceable. It was a very dark moment in my life, what I imagine a "rock-bottom" feels like.

When I was finally able to come in after a few days of not bothering to call in, my supervisor called me in to talk to him. I assumed I would be fired. I told him I was going through a rough time and didn't see the point in what I was doing anymore. He told me something that hit me hard. He said he felt like he was giving me so many accommodations, and that maybe he was being too nice about it, but he feels he can no longer rely on me anymore. He told me my job is very important and it puts added pressures on others in the department when I'm not there. He felt like I was taking advantage of him.

Ouch... That was the moment I realized my actions were hurting other people. I was too busy trying to hurt myself, or rather allowing the depression beast to have it's way with me, that I didn't realize I was harming anyone else but me. And here he is, the nicest, kindest boss I've ever had, and I've hurt him. I felt so terrible. He told me to go home for the rest of the week and we'll come up with a game plan for next week. I didn't go home. I went straight to the hospital instead. I realized that I had to fix whatever it was that was wrong with me. I had to fight this unmotivated drive and find a way to get back in the game. I've already written about that process here.

Meanwhile, there have been other issues happening with China that have caused problems. This shipping container shortage problem continued, and then the Suez Canal situation happened, then a typhoon and flooding in the region, then a port closure due to 2 cases of COVID found... It's been a nightmare of a year. Our orders have been significantly shorter this year as a result, and 90% of my job is dealing with art files and proofs from the printers. Shipping has quadrupled in price, so many items are being held back. The ADD brain in me wants to find a solution and somehow believes I'm the one who has to fix this. But... This isn't a healthy attitude. These are situations out of my control. I need to learn to let go.

Work has been light for awhile, so I was spending my workdays trying to learn more about the various warning labels that I might need to add to packaging. I like to learn new things, but this can be quite a daunting—and boring—pursuit. I had a nice visit with my parents as they decided to come out here to camp and visit me for 3 weeks. I also had a colonoscopy done and a diagnosis of IBS-C. I also started the process of getting weekly allergy shots. While it was lovely to see my parents and their kitties, I was out and about and doing things. I was starting to feel exhausted.

When our work instituted our new HR program at the end of August, I was able to see how many vacation days I actually had left and decided I wanted to take a week off. I needed a break. A break from the chaos of situations out of my control and a reset. This is the whole point of vacations. I must remind myself to take them now and then so I can learn to relax and let go.

I feel better now. I have learned also that I do have an iron deficiency, and the medication I was prescribed for IBS-C is not covered by my health plan, so a month supply costs $99. Also my blood sugars have gone up, which with my type-2 diabetic situation, means I have to get that under control again. While I did find getting the ADD diagnosis and switching meds back in April to be helpful, I did wind up getting back into some bad binge eating habits. I have consulted with a dietician and we are working on a plan to fix that and get back on to a healthier eating habit.

I have to learn to take better care of myself. I have to also learn to let things I can't control go. Part of that is learning how to relax and be at peace with myself and the world around me. Initially, when I first decided to take this week off, I thought I would get a lot of things I had been putting off accomplished, but I didn't. I realized rather quickly that I really needed a rest. A break. Some solitude times.

When I was talking to my therapist on Friday, I mentioned the depression beast analogy to her. She initially thought I meant it as a scary thing to avoid. I told her that actually it was a way for me to distance the depression thoughts away from my own thoughts and realize it wasn't a part of me. I grew up loving the superheroes genre, so anytime the depression beast shows up, Superman is there to fight it. She mentioned that her takeaway of Superman is that he is often kind to everyone, and even when there are times when he feels like he's being judged harshly from the public because he's an alien, he still treats people with kindness. I said, "Yes, but even Superman has a Fortress of Solitude, so even he needs a break every now and then to recharge." Boom! [Mic drop]

My dietician told my on Wednesday that I need to learn to be my own best friend. Oftentimes, I can be really hard on myself. What would I tell a friend who's going through a similar experience? How would I treat a friend? Also a huge revelation. I need to learn to be kind to myself as well. Treat myself as I would treat others, as it were. I'm going to be working on that as well.

Well, I suppose I will wind up this blog post. I felt the need to share this experience, and as always, the reason why I do this is not to say "PAY ATTENTION TO ME!" but rather to say, "Hey, here's what I'm going through. Here's what I've learned. I hope it helps you with your own situations." Many years ago, I got into Wil Wheaton's blog and he has been my inspiration to write more about my own mental health struggles. He does so publicly, not just to help himself heal, but to help others out there as well. That's why I do these blogs. I hope it helps.

Thanks for reading, for those who do.