20 years!

Tomorrow will mark exactly 20 years since I attended the graduation from my high school. 20 years! Man, that makes me feel old.

I have been having quite a lot of feelings as this anniversary year approached. It has me a little upset and depressed, quite honestly.

For those of you who may not be aware, I had a very long history of being verbally abused (or bullied) during my years in school. You can read all about it in the section on my website called "Mell's Hell". I graduated high school with no friends at all.

Lately, some incidents that led up to the graduation has been haunting me. First, the people who planned the grad party actually made it a point to tell me "You're not invited!" Like I really wanted to go to it anyway! As it was, I wouldn't have gone even if I was invited, but to actually tell me to my face that a party that is supposed to be inclusive about graduation activities excluded me was what actually bothered me, and the mean spirited way she did it, too. I can't even remember who it was who said it, someone I think I only knew in the hallways.

The second incident that is getting to me was the reception banquet held after the graduation ceremony. There was a huge group photo of everyone who was all decked out in their fancy evening wear. They were sizing people up to get the tall people in the back and so forth. One girl started flipping out when she had the position of sitting next to me.

This girl previously seemed to be okay, never really insulted me to my face and would talk to me occasionally, but definitely were not friends by any means of the word. She seemed like one of the nicer ones. That was not the case on this night.

Here we were, graduating from high school, and she was freaking out like a little girl. "I don't want to sit by her!" she kept yelling, repeatedly.

I felt like I wanted to crawl into a hole and die, and really wanted to slap her silly, too. You can even see in the photo (which I will not be posting), my annoyance at her behaviour. My foot was slightly up off the floor at an angle, my posture was a little bent and there was no smile on my face.

I have found it difficult to put this past behind me. I have acknowledged that. Hell, I wouldn't even have a section called "Mell's Hell" if I did. That is why I call it Mell's Hell—that treatment continues to torment me even years later.

But I think the thing that really bothers me most about this pivitol anniversary is that it has been 20 years. 20 years of the memories haunting me. 20 years of still feeling hurt about it all as though I was still going through it. 20 years!

It also troubles me that 20 years later, I feel like I haven't achieved much. I'm working a job that has become so routine with little ability to be creative anymore, and living paycheque to paycheque. I'm divorced, no kids, and no social life at all anymore; I'm a hermit. I've also gained a shitload of weight. Well, the list could theoretically go on forever. The point is I am not happy with my life at all.

I have realized, though, that the two are related. Without being able to put the past behind me, I have in fact let it control me and dictate my life. I still feel like I'm the ugly girl no one wants to be around, and that I don't deserve to be happy, which likely makes it so that I am not happy. A self-fulfilling prophecy, as it were.

In my spare time at home, I have picked up a book that's been collecting dust since the early 2000's. I tend to buy a lot of "self-help" books and never get around to reading them, or doing the work necessary to help myself. This one is called Who Am I?, which basically has a lot of quizzes to get to know yourself in various ways (physical, emotional, etc.). Maybe if I finish this I might get to know myself, and discover that I'm okay.

Age is a thing that bothers me. Not too long from now, a year and a half away, in fact, I will turn 40. 40! I have to find a way to get my life sorted out and in a place where I am happy, not only with my life and where I am, but with my self.

Any ideas?