Direction

I am finding myself once again feeling very much like I don't have a direction in life at all. I am just living day to day, paycheque to paycheque, without really finding a path to take in life.

What does it mean to have a life? Where can one find happiness? Or happyness as the case may be. I often find myself mired in the pit of despair, sitting here on my couch, either blankly staring at the TV or playing on my iPhone, wondering if there is something more to life than what I am doing.

I know I have issues in dealing with people. Partly because of how I was treated in school many moons ago, and partly because I was raised by anti-social people. I never really learned how to make friends.

I also wonder if this Facebook thing is actually more harmful than it is worth at times. I do believe that social media is creating a lot of anti-social people. If you don't believe me, check out Google News some time, read a story and look at the comment fields.

For awhile I joined meetup.com to try to meet people with similar interests as me. I was in the Star Trek Vancouver group since it was founded and even lead it for awhile. I chose to leave the group a couple of months ago because it just got weird. Sometimes there are these types of Star Trek fans that take it a little too seriously, or give you the creeps in some way, shape or form. I was finding a few people there to be a little too demanding. One person would write something mundane on a comment or message board and if you didn't answer him, he responded with "HEELLLLLOOOO????" I find that to be a little rude.

Also, while I do love Star Trek and likely always will, there are these people who try to prove that they are smarter than you and know more about it than you do, particularly if you are a girl. For some odd reason, some male Star Trek fans tend to believe that a girl cannot possibly be as interested in Star Trek as they are, so they try to prove that they know more about it than you do, to, I don't know, try to make themselves feel more superior to you.

It was also getting to the point that when I did schedule a meet-up, 2 people would agree to go, and usually there are a few people who cancel, so that left me feeling out of the loop somewhat.

The whole reason I joined meetup.com was to meet people. I found I wasn't really meeting many people anymore, so I just decided to leave the whole site altogether.

I am also a huge fan of Orphan Black and indeed tried to join the Clone Club on Facebook. I quit that group after a few weeks because again, it is hard to deal with people on social media. They are either rude and insensitive, or on the flip side and too sensitive or judgmental. I still love the show, but man I can't deal with these people.

So, yeah, after saying all of this, I have noticed that most of this has to do with the aforementioned issues I have with social media. So why don't I just quit social media altogether? Because I'm addicted to it. I fear if I lose my connection to Facebook, that will make me lose my connection to people completely.

I know there have been some good things that Facebook has done for me. I could not have gotten through my separation and divorce without Facebook. When I was at my lowest, I suddenly found a lot of former co-workers voicing their support for me in ways I never thought I would ever see. It really helped me get through some tough times. Also, it does help me keep in touch with people I have lost contact with due to living on the other side of the country and so forth.

But the ultimate question I have to ask myself is "Is Facebook making my usual tendency to be anti-social worse?"

It's not like I wanted to be anti-social. I was born a Sagittarius, and we are supposed to be outgoing and adventurous. That might be why I feel so stuck most of the time. I want to be more outgoing and adventurous, but a combination of fear and a history of being treated badly by people makes it so difficult to do.

Another problem with Facebook I find is seeing others posting various things about how great their lives are. Sometimes it makes me want to smack them. I know it's not their fault and I should be happy they are happy, but it makes me feel worse about my own situation in life and I can't help but feel jealous about it.

On a related note, my goals for June was just as bad as May, if not worse, for the diet/exercise thing. I have fallen off the wagon with soda, and am eating even more carbs than I did before, and believe me, that is saying something. While the better weather is making golfing more accessible to me, I also do it by myself all of the time. My attempts to get out of the house, get some fresh air and exercise is still making me feel lonely and almost like I'm weird for doing it by myself.

I think this is why I struggle with weight so much. Food temporarily makes me feel better. Also, feeling bad about myself, particularly because I am fat, gives me the excuse I need to stay indoors away from people. I also know that my recent struggles is mostly because the depression has crept back into my life and it makes me just not care about myself anymore. "Why bother?", as it were.

So, is there any hope for the shut-ins? Should I care about myself? I also have this weird feeling that if I were to lose all this weight, everything would be better for me, because I wouldn't be fat and I could go out more without feeling like I'm a big, fat cow. But... would losing weight do that for me? Or would I still have the same problems with socializing that I do now? It might make me feel more confident about myself after doing such a difficult thing like losing weight, but would my life improve?

Or perhaps that is why I struggle with weight. If I do get my goal and lose all the weight I lost, then what would be my excuse for my life not being so great? It's almost like I am sabbotaging myself because I fear that no matter what I do in life, I won't be happy.

Even at work, where I am finally making a decent wage and finally feel comfortable with my finances, I still find I am not happy with it. I make the excuse that it is because I don't get to be creative anymore, as I rarely get to design anything, but really, is that it?

I have to care about myself. That is my biggest obstacle. I have to find a reason to care about myself. So... how do I do that? What is there to like about myself? Maybe I just need a pep talk. Maybe I just need someone to comment on this thread and tell me some good things about me.

Maybe I'm just pathetic. It's just so hard trying to find a way to be happy when here I am on Canada Day, sitting on my couch typing away, without even having a desire to go outside and do something.

I don't know, Linus, I just don't know.