August has been crazy

We were supposed to be getting good luck this August, as a rare 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays, and 5 Sundays have hit us. With one exception, it has been a really tough month.

First, the news of Robin Williams' death hit me pretty hard. I never knew the man, only became a fan of his since I was a little kid. Honestly, it troubled me that he took his own life. There have been a few occasions where I have wondered about ending it all, and even struggle with it some days. I don't really want to know the details of how he died, so I haven't read any of that.

But what has truly upset me was the news about his daughter being cyberbullied on Twitter. I haven't been on Twitter in ages, and whenever I do I feel like all I am is a celebrity stalker, because all I do is read their Tweets. I also do not like the Trolls that populate that site regularly, but this time it royally pissed me off. Like she doesn't have enough going on in her life with her dad's suicide, now she has to deal with a bunch of assholes abusing her? She quit Twitter because of it, and so did I.

Shortly after the news of what happened to Robin Williams hit, my brother called me up really upset about his life and feeling very suicidal as well. I never know what to say to these things, but I know the pain he feels because currently he is having troubles getting employed after furthering his education to enhance his life, and is currently back home living with our parents until he can, which is not a healthy alternative. There will be more on that as this post continues.

The point is I do know his pain. The year after I graduated from high school, I was stuck in limbo. I had no way out of the shit-hole town that I was stuck in as I didn't drive, there was no way I could get a job in that shit-hole town either, so I was stuck in the house. My parents would try to give me the task of cleaning the house, which seemed futile because no sooner than they would get home, it would be a mess again. There were many numerous times that I wanted to just die and end it all. I felt like there was no point to living and I would never be happy no matter what.

But another problem I have is with interpersonal communications. I never know what to say. I am more of a writer than a talker. So when my brother calls me up, upset as Hell, I find it hard to find the words to tell him what I wanted to tell him. I gave a few tidbits of advice, like get out of the house whenever you can, because that makes you feel worse than anything else. I wound up writing him a Facebook post to him about what I wanted to tell him but couldn't find the words to say.

Shortly after all of this happened, my Aunt Deb passed away.

I find it difficult whenever I have a relative pass away, because I am not close to anyone outside of my immediate family. My parents moved away from them when they were young and we bearly spent much time with them that they may as well be strangers to me. But when my Aunt Deb was concerned, there was a family feud going on where my Dad and her hadn't talked to each other in decades.

My Aunt had paranoid schizophrenia and because of this, my Dad lost patience with her years ago. It's really sad because A. it's not her fault she had a mental disorder, and B. it shows a lot about how dysfunctional my family is. My Aunt was my father's only known blood relative until my brother and I came around. I still find it weird that my Dad refused to talk to her at all, mostly because I couldn't imagine shutting someone related to me out of my life.

I mostly felt bad for my cousin. She was raised by her Aunt as a single mother, so I know it must have hit her really hard when her mother passed away. Being so disconnected to my family, I never know what to do or say in these circumstances. She is also the designated person to advise people of what is going on on that side of the family, so it was thrust upon her to let us know what happened. She wrote a post on Facebook about it, showing how upset she was about the situation and apologizing to us about letting us know in this fashion because she was too sad to remember phone numbers. It was completely understandable.

However, dealing with my parents then became a huge problem. I phoned them up to tell them about Lisa's post and the news. I was worried about talking about it with my Dad because I really didn't know how he would take the news. She was his little sister, but he didn't talk to her. I told them and was appauled by their behaviour.

He didn't seem phased by it at all, even so much as saying "you know, we were never really close." I can't believe that at all! I mean, wasn't there a time when they were really little that they were close? They were abandoned by their mother when they were really little and wound up staying together in a family when the odds were at the time that kids would be split up.

His tone quickly changed to tell my brother and I to tell Lisa or anyone else that they were out camping in the woods where there is no cell reception, all because they didn't want to be invited to the funeral. Honestly, this angered me a lot. I mean, this really wasn't about them but they were making it about them. But, I do understand Lisa was going through a lot, and while I didn't like the idea of lying to her, I felt I had to at least express my condolences and I did tell their story so as to not involve her in the dysfunction that is known as my parents. She was going through enough at the time.

Then a couple days later I got a call from my parents that really pissed me off. They read Lisa's post and commented that it didn't really say that she died. They even went to the point of accusing Lisa of trying to scam money out of them. I re-read the post again. Even though she didn't say that her mother died, it was pretty obvious that was what happened. If you can read between the lines and understand other people's emotions, it is easy. I mean, do you think you could bring yourself to typing the words "my Mom is dead" just after it happened?

It just shows how messed up my family really is. They are very disconnected with other people's emotions and with family as well, and seem to spread their dislike of Aunt Deb on to Lisa and her family. They are really judgemental about them as well.

Trying to calm myself down, I responded to my parents' acccusations with "well, if you really want to know what is going on, why don't you pick up the phone, call them and find out?" To which they responded "well, we don't want to be invited to the funeral."

WTF? Again, this isn't about them, but they were surely making it about them. I am pretty sure they weren't going to invite them. They didn't show up to my Grandmother's funeral, and he hasn't spoken to my Aunt in decades, so I was convinced they were already sure they wouldn't be going.

So yeah, that has upset me as well. It is really hard for me to connect with my surrounding family members. I have tons of Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, and even a couple of Grandparents still around, but I don't know them at all. Whenever there is a death in the family I feel weird about it because I don't really know how to feel. Then I feel angry that my parents made us as anti-social as we are. It is not so easy for someone who was raised to fear people to just pick up a phone and call them and find out who they are. As I said earlier, I am not comfortable with interpersonal communications, especially to people I do not know very well. I have often said I am far more open on social media than I am in real life. Is that wrong?

To top it all off, though, my parents and brother are also fighting and getting on each other's nerves, and they usually vent it out at me. I want to tell my brother to get out of the house as soon as you can. Staying there will only make things worse for him.

Another issue is an ongoing issue I have at work, particularly with a certain sales person who works here. She is constantly pushing her productions through the systems at warp speed, consistently does not listen to anyone in production when we tell her these dates she picks out of her ass are impossible to meet, if she doesn't get the answer she wants, she goes to the boss and gets him to press for the impossible date. It really feels like I am not being respected at all here, my opinions don't matter, and I am constantly being undermined. I must be the only project manager who is not allowed to manage projects! It is royally frustrating.

I am trying to distance myself from her projects now, though. While I have no choice but to work on them, I will refuse to accept any responsibility when they go off the rails (as all of her orders do, mostly due to the fact that she doesn't give us enough time or pushes for it to be done quicker). If she wants to play the game of crying to the boss, then I cannot be held liable when this fails. I have explained it to her several hundred times. She's incapable of learning from her mistakes and I'm tired of talking to a brick wall. If she doesn't accept my timelines, she will have to be the person to blame. I told her so. :P

The one good thing that happened this month was that last week, which was after the weekend my Aunt passed away, I checked a lottery ticket and won $92.70. The second highest payday I've ever gotten from a lottery ticket.

On to other news, I did manage to read through all of the Dr. Phil Ultimate Weight Solution book, made notes, and am in the process of establishing a strategy or process for weight loss by enacting the 7 keys. I want to give it my alll and lose weight. I want to finally be proud of myself for accomplishing the very difficult task of losing weight and be the only member of my immediate family to do so. It will be tough though, as the stress and emotional eating occurs with all of the things that I wrote about earlier. It's only a matter of living moment to moment, observing my reactions to difficult circumstances and staying the course.

It is important for me to lose weight for a number of reasons, mostly about health and to be proud of myself. I am also planning on going to a Star Trek Convention, which I have now altered to go in 2016 instead of 2015, because it will be the 50th anniversary of Star Trek, and it will be extended to 5 days instead of 4. I want to cosplay at least 1 day there, and be dressed in a costume that fits like a sleeve, and makes me feel like a girl again. It is a weird thing but because I am so big it makes me feel like I'm a transvestite whenever I do try to be girly. I mean, the last time I wore a skirt was very traumatic for me.

I do realize that losing weight will not dramatically improve my life, and that all of my problems will not be solved when I do reach my target weight. It is merely a step 1 towards improving my life.

Anyways, I should wind up this post and post it. Thanks for letting me vent. Many people vent out at me all of the time, but most of the time I feel I am not allowed to do so in return. This is how I release my tensions.

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.