Problems as of late...
I know it has been awhile since I posted a blog entry, not that anyone actually reads my website or anything, but yeah, I do need to sort some things out in my head right now and this is the best way I know how.
I have been struggling as of late to get back in gear with my weight loss efforts. The biggest problem was I got sick in October just after Thanksgiving, and since then I haven't been able to get back to it. I really do believe the brief illness I had transferred into a deep depression.
When I get this way, it is hard to keep motivated. I am really finding it hard because I am loathing myself so much that part of me is wanting to know why I even want to do this in the first place. Why should I care?
Another reason why I am feeling the blues is because my birthday is quickly approaching. I'm turning 39 this year, and know full well the big 4-0 is just around the corner. This is scaring the crap out of me. I have this weird fear that post 40, it's all downhill from there, and honestly it's never really been uphill for me at all. I wanted to achieve so much in my life and feel absolutely miserable that I haven't achieved anything I wanted to achieve. I can never be happy with my life or where it is. I always feel like there's something missing, and most of the time I can't figure out what that something is.
I am also realizing that somehow I have managed to isolate myself again. I quit meetup.com as I wasn't attending any meetups, and from there my life has been in solitude. I am quickly realizing that I will have no plans at all for my birthday this year, and for some odd reason that really bothers me. I'm so sick and tired of being alone... or of being lonely...
So with all of this shit going on in my head right now, it is really difficult to find the motivation to keep working on my weight loss goals. I've been extremely lazy, to the point that I haven't really cleaned the apartment in awhile and haven't even exercised since the illness happened. I want to care about myself and my weight and actually meet a challenge I've been trying to do since I started gaining weight in my early 20s.
It's almost like I use my weight as an excuse to not live my life. I guess I keep sabotaging myself repeatedly because I'm not really sure that losing all the weight I want to lose is going to improve my life at all. I have really linked being happy with weight in my mind somehow. I know that's also not a healthy thing—to believe that somehow, magically, my life will be amazing once I do lose all the weight I want to lose. That all of the missing pieces will just somehow fall into place. That's likely why I continue to fail at losing weight, if you really think about it. I set myself up for disaster just so I have an excuse as to why my life sucks. I can blame it all on the weight. It's because I'm fat! But is that really why?
There are people out there who are overweight and happy at the same time. So is it really weight that is keeping me from living the life I want to live? Of course not. I know this logically in my mind. It's understanding this emotionally or psychologically that I have issues with.
So maybe the strategy should be to figure out what those missing pieces in my life really are and find a way to get them. Note: as I frequently do with blogging, I am thinking as I type, in efforts to try to figure things out so please bear with me for awhile.
Missing pieces:
People - I need social contact with people other than on social media. I need lasting friendships, and to hang around others more. I just never really learned how to make friends. Even more, I have never really learned how to open myself up to someone enough.
Happiness - Yeah, I am never happy, no matter what is working out in my life. I need to find a way to love myself for who I am and be happy with things. It's also hard to stay happy as I am so... political. Maybe I need to stop paying attention to this shit that just keeps me down all of the time, but I fear that that will make me apathetic and more corrupted politicians will be in the system. Not that one person really makes a difference in a democracy or anything...
Achievement - To feel like I have achieved something, I need to achieve something. I like to start things, come up with ideas and so forth, but rarely do I ever follow through with the thought or thing. Maybe I just need to be more organized. Maybe I need to feel like I've accomplished a lot in my life. Perhaps a list of already achieved things and a list of what I want to achieve might help me get back on track again...
Status - Being a perpetual single is really getting old. So is not having any money in my savings account or getting anywhere near the idea that maybe I could actually some day get my own place. I really hate renting. I hate the concept, because I know deep down I am paying for someone else's mortgage, or someone else's vacation, or someone else's lifestyle. The problem is of course that I never have anything in my savings account, so how the Hell can I save money for a down payment? How the Hell am I supposed to afford a place here? I'm not really picky. A small one floor bungalow/ranch house would be ideal. But the idea of that happening in my lifetime is quickly evaporating into dust.
Career - This is something that is really getting to me lately. I feel like I've managed to get myself into a very boring, non-eventful, non-creative work situation. I rarely get an opportunity to do anything creative anymore, and do a lot of work that really a trained monkey or automatic computer program could easily do. There is also a lot of downtime these days, where I am trying to figure out what I could do today as I am waiting on others usually before I can complete my tasks. I'm not happy with my career anymore. I want something exciting and invigorating. I have always had a strong desire to be involved in TV or Film productions, or Hell even video games, but have no idea in what capacity. I know it's a behind the scenes sort of idea and I know I also want the creativity to be a huge factor in it as well. While I have a stable job that does provide me with a steady paycheque, life has to be about more than that. I'm fearful about taking any new risks because I know I only have myself to depend on and don't want to be back to making entry level wages. Fear is keeping me here.
Attractiveness - Weight is merely a part of this problem. Being a kid who was bullied a lot in the past based on what I looked like, I have serious self-image issues. I want to feel like I'm appealing to people, but I fear that I am not. I feel like I must be the ugliest person alive most of the time. I use weight as a shield because I can blame my unattractiveness on my weight. But I know it's so much more than that. I was a skinny kid, a skinny teenager, and was still considered ugly. What is attractive? How does one get attactive? These are things that have constantly eluded me.
These are just what I can think of at the top of my head. It's a lot. Sometimes I wonder if I've managed to stumble into a midlife crisis recently.
So now I am faced with figuring out how to go from here. I've identified the major issues I have. Now what? Do I just keep plugging away? Do I work on one thing at a time, or work on all of them in small steps? Not knowing how to get these missing pieces is what is troubling me the most here.
Any advice out there by anyone who happens to read this, and I really don't think anyone does, would be welcome.
Mell
I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round, I really love to watch them roll.