I wouldn't normally do this kind of thing...

This song is in my head now, as this week I am listening to the only Pet Shop Boys album I have in my car, which is Very Relentless.

Anyways, I thought I would try to update you on what is going on with me, as the last posting I wrote was a few days after my birthday.

There is still this slight feeling of being stuck in this thing called life. Usually I find the depression hits me when I start to feel lonely. I worry sometimes that I have become a modern day hermit, where I just venture outdoors to work and get food. My social life is non-existant, except for Facebook, which really isn't existing if you think about it.

Part of the problem is I see being alone as a pathetic thing. I worry that all those idiots who made fun of me in school have won and successfully ruined my life. How could I let them affect me so terribly? What would it take for me to put this shit behind me and move on with my life? How do I move on with my life?

I suppose the ultimate question I need to ask myself is: What do I want my life to be? There are some good things about my life that exist. I have a decent paying job and finally feel financially secure. I have a lovely cat. I have an apartment that is the ground floor of a house, and at times it feels like I live in a house. I can do laundry whenever the Hell I want to do laundry and don't need to worry about change, as I have had in the past. I think when you get past 30, trudging your laundry down the hall in an apartment building's laundromat, hoping for empty machines and proper change, and all the fun that goes along with that gets a little old.

I think ultimately what I really want is people in my life. I want friends that I can just call up and say "Hey, you wanna hang out?" or people to just shoot the breeze with. The feeling of loneliness can be overpowered at times, and it is usually what triggers my depression funks.

I think I am finally starting to realize that just because I am alone, it does not make me a loser. I am in control of my own life and only I have the power to make things happen for myself. I can't just expect some fairy Godmother to swoop down, wave a magic wand, and poof! Everything is awesome.

I need to find ways to interact with others more. I need to conquer my social anxiety issues and realize that not everyone out there automatically thinks I'm ugly when they first see me. I need to see myself in a better light and realize that those idiots were wrong about me.

As far as the weight goals are going, so far it hasn't really sunk in yet. I have been battling a really nasty flu bug for this week, so have found zero energy to get up and exercise. The plus side is my appetite is somewhat diminished because of being sick though. What it all boils down to is this: I need to care about myself enough to stop torturing myself with food and get myself in a good shape. If I lose this weight, I want to get that feeling of achievement. Something I never thought I would achieve in a thousand years. It might give me the confidence boost I need.

However, I have also realized that I use weight as a shield or an excuse to not do things differently. I hide behind the fat so I avoid going out and socializing. That's why it is so difficult for me to lose weight at all. It's hard to let go of the excuse as to why I'm so lonely. But I must! As soon as this flu bug hits the curb, I will get back on the plan.

The only one who can do this for me is me. I have to keep remembering that. I control the circumstances of my life and I have the power within myself to do whatever I want to do. All I have to do is believe in myself and do it.

Sounds easy, doesn't it?