My name is Mell and I'm powerless over my emotions

Suddenly, things have not quite been as rosy as my last post indicated. For awhile there, things were starting to look up. I continue to go to the Emotions Anonymous meetings and am finding it very helpful. I did try out the Nutrisystem plan for a couple of months and managed to lose 8 pounds. My mood was improving.

However, lately, my mood has taken a big dip downwards this week. Various different things have consumed my life as of late that has gotten me upset.

I find it extremely difficult to handle all of the massive changes and crap coming out of the Conservative Government of Canada. I can't handle it anymore! The madness has got to end! I am far more disappointed in the Liberal Party of Canada, however, as they all voted yes on C-51. Despite the fact that numerous people have voiced their concerns about this bill, from various petitions, and experts testifying that this is dangerous legislation, it was passed into the Senate.

There is now a petition to get through to the Senators to stop the bill. That I don't see happening, as they are either Liberals or Conservatives, appointed by their party leader at the time of their appointment, and are only answerable to them. What's the point of fighting this? They're going to do whatever the fuck they want to do! When governments stop listening to the demands of the public, I start to give up hope that maybe we might see a utopian peaceful future. The only shread of hope I have left is that it will be challenged and thrown out at the Supreme Court, otherwise, say hello to a police state!

I shudder to think what society is going to think about us in the future; how we squandered our natural resources, polluted the entire Earth, wiped out tons of beautiful animal and plant life, given away our civil rights and liberties, all so some already rich jerks can make even more money. It just makes me sick to my stomach.

Harper was right. We won't recognize Canada once he's done with it...

Then there is the constant ongoing family drama. I have a very dysfunctional family; parents who have no clue how to relate to others, therefore have raised myself and my brother in the same regard. My grandfather passed away last Saturday. It was somewhat expected, as he was 101 years old and his health had decreased as of late. However, every time there is a death in the family, it leaves me feeling conflicted.

I'm not very close to most of my family members. I maybe saw all of my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. a total of 10 times in my life. I don't really know them at all, and feel like they are complete strangers. All I have to go on are stories from my parents about how it was like growing up there, and a lot of those stories are not all that great. So my view of my grandparents is a little tainted and scewed.

Then I find I get criticized because I don't contact any of them. I am not comfortable around people I don't know, and when all I hear are bad stories, I have a hard time finding a way to connect with them. I'm not even that comfortable around anyone at all, really.

My parents have really bizarre ways of dealing with family members and of dealing with death. My Dad told me a very insensitive joke this week (which I will not repeat), then seemed confused about why I was so quiet after. I have no idea how to handle his level of crazy. I was also informed I wasn't supposed to share the news about my grandfather's death on Facebook, for some undisclosed reason, which most likely has to do with the aforementioned family dysfunction.

I don't know if all those stories my parents have told over the years are true or not. But it is all I have to go on.

My parents are planning on visiting me next weekend. I am already feeling anxious about it. Every time they visit, they drag me around to places I don't want to go, get into fights with each other or with me, embarass me with some racist comments, or some odd shit like that. We just don't get along anymore. I even unfriended my Mom on Facebook recently as she tried to tell me what I could and could not post online. The only place I am open is online! I absolutely hate how closed off from people in real life I have gotten, but I'll be damned if I let someone tell me what to do on Facebook. I was on there first!

They are also considering moving out this way this upcoming fall, as they are pondering retirement. I just don't think I can handle that. I like having distance between us. If I had to deal with them on a regular full-time basis again, it might just destroy our relationship altogether. I can handle them in small doses. I needed space between us because I have issues being a woman who loves too much, and always want to fix things. I don't want to be the family counsellor anymore. I feel if they move here, it will kill independent Mell.

I also stopped the Nutrisystem program due to the fact that our Canadian dollar sucks and finding that it is not an economical benefit to continue to use the program. It did work, as I was losing roughly 2 pounds per week, and all without exercising, but financially, I can't handle the program. I thought I could at least learn a few new things about portion control and stuff like that, but since the program ended a couple of weeks ago, I have returned back to my old ways.

Sometimes I feel like there's little hope that I can find myself enjoying my life at all. I don't want to turn 40 this year. I feel like I've wasted my entire life. I have no social life whatsoever, no real connections with anyone at all. I'm a fat, ugly girl who has never had any chance at having a normal life.

Maybe I need to take a break from social media. Maybe it's actually hurting my mental health more than it's helping it. I know I needed it badly after my marriage fell apart and am grateful for the help and support I got from people during that time. However, I just get bombarded with posts about what Harper is doing that is contributing to my anger issues and making it hard to hold my head up high anymore. Really, Harper? You are closing another Coast Guard base in Vancouver? And you want to build pipelines and run oil barges through there? Are you purposefully trying to destroy our coast?

So yeah, I might be closing off Facebook for awhile, or at least leaving all the groups I belong to that makes me so angry, just to try to bring some sanity back into my life. I am a little fearful of leaving Facebook however, as, really, it is the only way I socialize. But perhaps that is not enough anymore. Perhaps if I pull the plug on it, I might take better control over my mood and my life.

I'm also a little frustrated in having to deal with people as I am trying to sell things on Craigslist. I have never in my life dealt with so many flaky people before. People who say they want things, then on the day you agree to meet suddenly become silent, drop off the face of the Earth, or don't show up at all. It would be a decent thing to just say you've changed your mind and no longer want it. I would understand that. But man, just not showing up or falling off the communications grid is not acceptable. Perhaps I need to just take all my items I want to sell and try out eBay or something more legally binding like that. Craigslist is just crap.

I think this week's meeting at Emotions Anonymous is going to be really needed. Either that, or I really need some chocolate...

Mell