Motivation

I seem to go through rollercoaster like emotional tides all the time these days.

In July, my motivation to lose weight was at an all-time high. I exercised all but 4 days. Incidentally, I can never bring myself to exercise during my menstruation cycle. It just feels icky. But still all but four days was a huge boost for me.

Something changed as soon as August rolled around. I don't exactly know what changed. I think I weighed in and did not lose a single pound, despite being more active. It frustrates me to no end that I can work my ass off and not lose a pound. Whenever that happens, I find myself feeling "What's the point? I'm not getting anywhere at all. It's hopeless!"

I don't know why after one lousy setback, I cannot seem to kick my own ass into gear. I'm very good at giving people advice and stuff, but why can't I follow my own advice?

I think also realizing that this year seems to be going by at rocket speed levels is also getting me in a depression funk again. Yep, the same things as usual. The big 4-0 is almost 3 months away. I don't want this Fall season to be a repeat of the Fall I had last year, which had my depression start on the Canadian Thanksgiving weekend and continue well into January. I hope it's not starting out too early.

I am also finding myself bingeing like crazy as of late too. I bought a whole box of those no name brand freezies from the Superstore and have been sucking them down so fast they only lasted a couple of weeks. Also the diet has gone back to my usual ways, eating out too often, and eating large meals in the evening. The exercising has fallen off as well. Perhaps I should just forget about the number on the scale.

I know once again the biggest issue influencing my mood as of late is the insurmountable feeling that everything is just so blah. I seem to have no enjoyment in my life anymore. I go to work, come home, watch TV, play with the cat, and go to bed. Weekends has me assigning myself tasks to do so I don't find myself feeling overwhelmingly lonely, but of course, Sunday rolls around and I wind up watching TV.

I'm even trying to research online "How to socialize" as I find myself at a loss on how to actually do that. All of my friends are online. I don't have an emergency contact at all that I could list in case I get injured. I don't have someone on my speed dial in case I want to have a chat with someone. I don't have that someone.

Turning 40 in a couple of short months has me going completely insane. I don't want to be that number. I wanted to accomplish so much more out of my life by that age. I don't feel like I'm successful at all.

I know there are some who feel like I should be so happy to have the life I have. A comfortable stable job. A roof over my head. All of that stuff. But... what good is it having a comfortable life?

Another thing that has me somewhat upset is the Las Vegas Star Trek Convention next year. It is supposed to be the 50th anniversary of Star Trek. I made it a bucket list goal to attend that convention, and it was certainly something I was really looking forward to. However a few things have happened as of late that has me really annoyed with the show and deciding not to go next year as planned. The hysteria that has happened online in the forum on Facebook during this year's convention and immediately after has me thinking my plans are futile.

First, they basically sold all of the Gold packages to people who attended this year, making it impossible for me to get that ticket. Even if I could get a ticket, the price for that is insanely high. When you factor in how crappy the Canadian dollar has gotten (thanks a lot, Harper!), I would essentially be paying the price plus a half to get one ticket. Regular US dollar amount was over $800.

I tried to talk myself into maybe not going all out on the Gold package and trying to see how much the Preferred Seats would cost when they become available for sale. Then something weird happened. People on the Facebook page were frantically starting to pre-reserve hotel accommodations, saying if you don't buy now the price will go up and so forth.

This event is quickly turning into the same kind of mass hysteria that is behind the San Diego Comic Con; an event I have realized I will never be able to go do. The bloody thing sells out in the first hour it goes on sale. I don't like it when things get too big.

So now I'm thinking of putting off the 50th Anniversary date, and maybe going the year after that, when the hype has died down a bit. But then again, it has made me wonder why I am so obsessed about going to one of them in the first place. What do I think will happen if I go to one of these events? Why is it so damned important I've put it on my bucket list?

Whenever I go to the Fan Expo here in Vancouver, I usually find myself very much alone. I think to myself that I am going to be around people who share common interests, but my social anxiety keeps me from actually talking to people. The last time I went to one, someone who knew me said hi to my twice, but I didn't really remember who she was (names are really hard for me sometimes), and somehow I found myself feeling even more like I need to isolate myself. I really don't know what's wrong with me. But it has left me realizing that the very same thing will happen if I do go to a Vegas show. Especially if I remain the same unusual and uncomfortable around people person that I am.

Perhaps the bucket list concept is also making things difficult for me. Wanting things but feeling like I cannot attain them. A lot of the bucket list items are basically self-improvement things.

I don't really know how to snap myself back into gear and get myself motivated to do, well, anything at this point. I do know the Star Trek convention was THE THING I was most looking forward to. Now what?

I don't know, Linus, I just don't know...