Out with the old, in with the new

Another birthday has come and gone now. It was a birthday I was dreading for about two years: THE BIG 40.

Yes, for exactly two years (maybe even longer) I had been terrified of reaching that number. I am not entirely sure why, but many women find that number really scary. I got so worried about turning 40, that last August it spiralled me into a very deep depression. I couldn't get myself out of it and didn't foresee myself doing that either for the remainder of the year.

I decided to get help. I got on anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication that seemed to take the swirling pain in my solar plexus away, but the slight feeling of dreading that number still stuck with me. I also got into a government program called Bounce Back which is designed to help yourself get out of depression. But most of the books were pretty much the same.

About a month ago, I saw a meme on Facebook saying that instead of saying how old you are, say you have reached level __. I thought that was a great way to alleviate the stress of turning that number; instead of saying "I am now 40 years old", I said "After fighting my way through the game, I have FINALLY reached level 40!"

It did have an impact on how my birthday hit me. I didn't fear the number at all and felt like celebrating it in fact. I also get quite a lot of people telling me I don't look it, and they wonder what my secret is. That also makes me happy.

The secret is: A. I refuse to grow up. I still watch cartoons and love the same things I did as a kid, less the Barbie dolls. B. I have never drank alcohol or smoked a day in my life. C. I still like playing with toys. Well, collecting them anyways. ;)

My birthday was actually pretty good. My parents, my friend and I went out to dinner and a movie. We saw The Martian, and I will say it was an amazing movie and definitely worth seeing. I had my favourite cake and ice cream. It was great!

I also seem to have figured out the thing that has been getting me down all these years. The thing I constantly say I don't know but deep down I do know. The elusive "happy" thing that will finally snap me out of this feeling of depression I continuously go through and finally make me arrive at home.

You see, I have never really felt like I was at home anywhere I am. I usually find myself saying to myself "I want to go home", even if I am at home. "Home" to me is not a physical place or destination. It is a state of contentment; a state of happiness. For years I have not been able to put my finger on that missing whatever the Hell it is thing that I couldn't figure out was missing. I couldn't put a label on it or my finger on it.

Now I know what it is. My whole life I have wanted to be involved in film in some capacity. I have never known really in what capacity, but knew it was a behind the scenes type of capacity. Now I feel I have figured out what I want to do. I want to be a producer and come up with my own movies or TV series to do.

I love TV and movies. I also love watching the behind the scenes stuff on DVDs. I love interesting stories, and have a way of understanding character development or motivation that some people I've talked to find very impressive. I want to be involved in making something epic. Something that not only entertains people, but also makes them think or makes them change in some way.

I have long loved Star Trek, mostly for Gene Roddenberry's vision of his future. It was a humanist approach that he wanted to see humanity evolve into. I loved that vision.

However, humanity has not learned a damned thing from the mistakes we have already made, and seem like it is turning into a massive pit of Hell instead of the quest for knowledge or quest to better ourselves version of Star Trek. The more I see people declaring "off with his head!" or "every man for himself" attitude, the more I feel we will never see Gene's vision come into fruition.

In the Star Trek world, what brings humanity together is after World War III happens where most of the people and governments of the world fell, they send up a test rocket to test out the new warp drive, and meet some new alien life-form that "unites humanity in a way no one ever thought possible".

I really don't want it to take a third world war and a visit from an alien species for humanity to learn to get along.

I want to do projects that inspires change. It of course needs to have a sci-fi feel to it.

But of course, to change direction in my life and career, I need to get a few things figured out. I will not be quitting my job anytime soon, for instance. I need to make sure my bills are paid. I also need to figure out how to get into production based on what skills I already possess. Build up my team of connections and connections of those connections to figure out all of this stuff. I need to understand how to run a business and stay within budgets of that business.

I know it's what I want to do. Now I have to figure out how to do it. This is why I have decided to start up my own tarot card/psychic business on the side of my job. I want to know what it takes to run a business, and the best way to do that is to start one myself. I want no risks upfront, and costs to be fully self-sufficient on what I do. It is also a performing art form, and I want to do this to build up more confidence in myself. The last couple of years or so I have shied away from people and became reclusive. My favourite classes in college were actually my intro to drama courses, because not only did it teach me how to carry myself with confidence, it also is what made me aware that I was really good at understanding character motivations and I really loved coming up with back stories and my character bios the most.

So... Step one is to get this business up and running, which I hope to have in full swing by my Christmas break, so perhaps I can already set up appointments and so forth during those days, and limit my readings to weekends. I need to figure out business budgeting and costs, and also want to revisit my project management course information for finances as well.

Step two will follow and will consist on figuring out the steps needed to figure out this production career and how to go about getting into it. Do I need a college thing or is there a way to get into it without having a production degree? Would even a script-writing course work, or a make your own movie course?

At any rate, the costs for these initiatives will be saved from whatever money I make as a tarot card reader.

So... new plan for Mell. It has me excited and has me finally feeling like I am heading in the right direction towards home.

So yes, turning 40 has become one of the best birthdays I've ever had. :D

Thanks for reading, and may you find whatever makes you feel at home in your life as well.