The quest for meaning

Well, here I am, at 40 years old, and I still find myself struggling with what I want my life to be.

Don't get me wrong. There are some things that I like about myself. I love superheroes and likely always will. I love my political beliefs. I love that I'm a tree-hugger. I love that I love animals. I love that I am still involved in print design, despite some of my peers having issues finding work in the field. I love that I live a comfortable life, am able to pay my way, and keep a roof over my head. I love that I have a wonderful cat who has become my constant companion. I love my Prius C.

The issue is that there are quite a lot of times in which I find myself depressed or not enjoying my life as I should. Sometimes I have this feeling like I was meant to do something else with my life, something involving film or TV productions. Maybe it's a delusion of grandeur. Maybe I just want to be a part of something that brings joy or entertainment to people, as I have been entertained by TV and movies my whole life. Sometimes I find myself wondering what kind of transferable skills I have that would get me into a film career. The idea is scary and exciting at the same time. Scary because I would be starting over in my career and not sure if I would succeed at it, and I've become accustomed to a steady paycheque. It's taken me about 18 years to be making what I am making now. Could I really start over again?

There are times I like my job, and there are times I don't like it. Sometimes I get bored with the same old thing. A good 95% of the job is routine and administrative. I basically flight check all art files going to printers, schedule print runs, and deal with printers and the proofing process. It's rare when I get the opportunity to do some actual design work. Lately with the explosion of adult colouring books, I have had a bit more design work than usual. The very little design work I do get, winds up being re-sizing/re-formating existing designs into a new size/format. It's not very creative, and I got into this field because I wanted to be a creative person.

But there are indeed other ways I can express this creativity within. It doesn't have to be confined to work. I could try making things, painting, drawing, sculpting, or learning a new thing, like how to make cosplay costumes and make-up. I could spend a lot of time trying to write a book or a script for a movie.

The other side to my displeasure in life is about the fact that I don't really have a life at all. Socialization is something I have struggled with since Junior High School, at least, if not since the whole time I moved to Strathmore. I have joined various meet-up groups, but find it difficult to get to most meet-ups as they are a ways away or during a weekday evening, and I find after work I don't want to journey all the way into the city for a chance to meet some new people. Many times when I have been in groups, I tend to sit off to the side, find a dog or cat, and pet them, as I really feel very awkward around other people. It is a side-effect of being bullied as a kid. I automatically think people think the worst about me and just don't want to get to know me. It makes me shut down, and I probably wind up giving out "stay the Hell away from me" vibes, without even being aware of it.

All of this has made me wonder what is the meaning of my life. Was I meant to be something else? Should I just be happy with my life as it is?

I have been an avid reader of many things Osho-related since my college years. I recently saw a quote of his on a Facebook meme that said "You will find meaning in your life only if you create it." Wow. A simple sentence, but it sparked something in me.

Now I have to figure out how to create meaning in my life.

Anyways, just thought I'd write something as I haven't in awhile. Thanks for reading, to those who do.

Mell