Fear

Last week, while I was away on vacation, the news of one of the largest mass shootings in American history hit the airwaves. I have thought long and hard about this problem. We all want to help and solve this problem that seems to be plaguing the United States with this gun thing. I've been engaging with many people online trying to find some kind of way to reason with them, as have many other American and non-American citizens, including many politicians.

What it all boils down to is fear. Fear of someone who is different than us. Fear of government tyranny. Fear that someone is going to take away their guns. Fear that the population growth has created more of "them" than there are of "us". Fear that they will be victimized by criminals and all they can do is arm themselves. Fear that the police are ill-equipped to handle everything. Fear that the police will use excessive force. Fear that someone will force them to adapt to a new way of thinking or believing. Fear of change.

But fear goes both ways. Fear of going to school, church, movie theatres or night clubs and getting shot. Fear of acknowledging one's sexual orientation. Fear of telling others about their sexual orientations or they will be attacked. Fear of being able to hold hands with your partner, let alone hug or kiss in public.

It would seem that gay people who are afraid to show their identity out in public for fear of attack are somewhat justified. I remember even as a young kid watching TV news or daytime talk shows and hearing about "gay bashing". Even an All In The Family episode back in the 1970s centred around a transvestite friend getting killed by a gay bashing incident, causing Edith to question her faith in God.

Fear is also a dangerous weapon that many politicians of the past—and indeed in the present times—are using to try to manipulate voters into voting for them or against that other person, or even voting to leave an entire continent's union of countries. Fear of outsiders. Fear of immigrants. Fear of terrorists. Fear of Muslims. Fear of fear itself, it would seem.

So how do we handle fear? Many people handle it with anger and resentment. Fighting online on comment threads about your rights to go out without getting shot versus others who are fighting for their rights to continue to be able to have their guns. Many people try to ignore it and pretend it doesn't exist and we then wait for the next mass shooting, which at this rate will probably be next weekend or so. Some even suppress the fear by getting addicted to drugs, alcohol, tobacco, food, or any other self-destructive methods.

But there is another way to conquer one's fears that is more effective, but equally scary. That is to face the fear head on and accept it. Fear can be a useful tool, as it can keep our bodies safe when dealing with a scary situation. It can also shed light on things that need to be acknowledged. Some fears are rational. It is just a matter of how you handle those fears.

Many people have heard the acronym "LGBT", but many might be surprised there are more than just 4 letters. The full acronym to this date is "LGBTQQIP2SAA". I am not going to pretend that I know what all of the letters stand for or mean, but the point is there are a lot of sexual identities. The list can continue to change and grow as we figure out more about our identities. This is why I find Ontario's updated sexual education guidelines to be a great step in the right direction, and hope other provinces and countries follow suit on this. It is really confusing to many adults, let alone kids, who just somehow feel different but cannot understand for the life of them why. Parents are afraid all that information will cause the kids to "turn into one", whatever that means (again, fear), but I prefer to think it helps kids figure out who the heck they are.

For years I myself have been fearful of the truth. I had no idea what the truth was, but was one of those kids who felt different somehow. At times I have wondered if I am transgendered, as I tend to feel more male energy at times than female, but then I just think it's more about the gender roles thing that I think is the real problem. I was never a girly-girl type of person. I preferred playing with "guy toys" as a child and have and always will have a love of DC Comics superheroes, something that's supposed to be a guy thing. When I was a kid, girls were supposed to be into girly things, and guys were supposed to be into guy things. Girls couldn't play with action figures. Boys couldn't play with dolls. When you deal with that kind of crap, it isn't hard to get confused about your own gender. I do get very angry when dealing with people who are constantly trying to keep women down in life, which makes me a feminist, although I prefer the term "equalist" as I believe all people (and indeed all animals) deserve to be treated with the same amount of respect, and receive equal pay for equal work.

But lately, as in the past few years, I have started to figure out the truth about myself and why I feel so... different. It all actually started a few years back after reading an interview Jim Parsons had about his character Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory. He was asked if he thought Sheldon was gay, and his answer was, "No, he's not gay. He's asexual."

I had never heard that term before he mentioned it and decided to look it up. As it turns out, I found the information very enlightening and finally figured out what made me different. I am asexual.

For those of you who do not know what that is, there is a lovely site online at http://www.asexuality.org/home/ that has plenty of information on that. And as difficult as identifying with being asexual is, there are of course different degrees of asexual people. The basic definition is someone who is not interested in having a sexual relationship at all, or only for procreation purposes if they do.

It took me a long time to come to admit to this. I'm still kind of nervous about even writing this blog at this moment, in fact. I'm not accustomed to opening myself up in this fashion. I am pretty open about other things, like my constant depression, my weight battles, and all other things, but when it comes to sex, I shut down. I am so uncomfortable about it that I find it hard to be around any public displays of affection, regardless of gay or straight or whatever.

For many years I felt like something must be wrong with me. I'm not as interested in sex as so many other people are, or seem to be. If you watch any TV or movies, sex is a big component in relationships, which makes it difficult to have a relationship when you are not interested in it. There is a bit of a curiosity about it on my part, but in general I just felt very uncomfortable about it.

I do believe the fear of acknowledging the truth led to many of my issues with weight gain and depression, among other more obvious reasons, like being bullied in school for many years. I do have this belief that the reason I gained weight was subconsciously so people would find me unattractive or unappealing, thus I never have to worry about the sex issue. But not knowing the truth for so long and feeling like there was something wrong with me contributed to the depression feelings I tend to get into every once in awhile. Why am I so odd? What is wrong with me? Why am I so lonely?

We all have a desire to be normal, and when you are constantly shown things on TV and movies about what "normal" relationships look like, you feel abnormal. I think it's why I like Big Bang Theory so much; not just for the geek references, but the asexuality of Sheldon and the struggles of the "Shamy" relationship is something I find rather interesting. Is it possible to get into a relationship with someone without it leading towards sex? I'm sure it is, and am trying to find a way to get to know others who are like me. I have just convinced myself, likely out of fear, that it is not possible. So far, the meet-ups in Vancouver have not aligned with my schedule properly. I am hoping to meet other ACES (as we are known as) soon so I can feel like I am a part of a community, for once in my life.

The reason why I have elected to write this truth is because I no longer want to be controlled by my fears. This mass shooting at the Pulse Nightclub has given me a desire to acknowledge my fears and face them head on. I don't want to be afraid of admitting the truth. I don't want to feel like I have to hide in the shadows, fearful of people finding out the truth. I cannot control how other people think of it or view me as a result of this confession. I can only control my reactions. If I lose Facebook friends, I don't need those kind of negative people anyways. If I gain Facebook friends as a result of this, then so much the better.

Opening myself up online is one thing. Telling people in real life is a different thing for me. Slowly I am changing and becoming more accepting of things. I just need to take one fearful step at a time—fearlessly.