It's been a long time...

Hello all. I know it's been awhile since I've written anything here. I wish I could say I've been too busy... I haven't been. I've been lazy. Lazier and lazier every day...

I am not entirely sure why, but for some odd reason I haven't had much energy to do anything. The house continues to be in complete disarray after the whole carpet installation thing. I can't get myself to really clean the kitchen, bathroom and put back the second bedroom in order. I always tell myself I will this weekend, but then the next thing you know I do one little thing and then get tired and say, "Ah, screw it! I'd rather watch TV."

The diet and exercise thing has completely reversed in motion, as I find myself bingeing a lot on food and soda and haven't really exercised in a long time either.

I did sort of have a bit of a bing moment when it comes to that. For the past couple of years or so I have been searching for a support group to help me in my weight loss battle. I'm trying to follow Dr. Phil's Ultimate Weight Loss Solution book, and the last key is finding a support system. I have recently determined that that was the time I gave up on losing weight.

It is a really hard thing to constantly be alone. The loneliness tends to get to me sometimes. So I search for people to try to do this with, but wind up getting either no help at all, or feel like I'm being roped into some kind of scam to sell me products or services instead of someone I can call and say "Hey, you want to go for a walk?" Sometimes I miss having a dog. You pretty much have to walk when you have a dog. And there is the whole companion thing to boot.

I have discovered that I have to examine my reasoning as to why I have been seeking this support group idea. There are a couple of reasons why I think this is necessary: 1. I want to help other people lose weight more than I do myself, and 2. I want someone to blame in case I fail at it.

Sometimes when I get going on trying to lose weight, I find myself getting disappointed that I've done everything right and yet nothing is reflected on the scale to say I have done it. I know the number on the scale is not what I should be focusing on, but I do have goals and when I don't reach that goal, I feel like a failure.

There is also this side of me that feels I don't deserve to be healthy and fit. I eat because I have a lot of issues with myself. I have a very poor self-image, self-esteem, self-confidence, self-motivation, pretty much any "self" stuff. I don't feel I deserve to be thin or healthy. I put on weight as a punishment because I don't like myself.

There is also the attachment factor to this problem. What do I think will happen once I do reach my goal? Do I think people will all of a sudden want to hang out with me? Will I find the love of my life? Will I be beautiful?

When I was a teen, I was a regular weight. I was thin and could wear a small to medium size shirt. Pants/dress size was an 8, which back then was considered the ideal weight (size 6 if you were small framed). I was constantly called ugly at that time. It caused a tremendous pain in me that I have found it very difficult to get over.

Indeed, there are still times I look at myself in the mirror and hear myself tell myself that I am so ugly. The weight is more of an excuse. I can say that the reason I feel unattractive is because of my weight. So it's almost like a vicious cycle. I want to be thin, but I am afraid people will still find me unappealing, so I eat, which makes me feel even more unattractive, and around and around it goes.

I know I just have to get over my stupid mind and the stupid games it likes to play with me. Do I deserve to be healthy? I think everyone does, but why do I think I don't deserve it? It's like I am punishing myself for something...

So what am I guilty of? What did I do that makes me feel like I don't deserve to be healthy or happy? I have lived for 40 years now, without committing any crimes, without drinking or smoking or doing any kind of drug. I have a good job and like my career (most days). I'm not rich, but not in the poor house either, so I'm comfortable. I can't for the life of me figure out what I did that makes me want to punish myself like this.

I know it is punishment. I know people might be trying to convince me that everyone has problems with occasional overeating or bingeing and it's not necessarily evil. But I do it all the time! Every single day. Whenever I'm am stressed out, I eat. Whenever I am anxious, I eat. Whenever I am happy or celebrating, I eat. Whenever I find it too hot or too cold out, I eat. Whenever I am lonely, sad, depressed, I eat. Whenever I am pissed off, I suddenly have an urge for chocolate or soda. I always eat.

It's getting to the point that I am once again almost at my highest weight, which was 228 pounds. I really need to figure out what my thoughts are telling myself so I can get over whatever it is I feel I need to punish myself for. Yeah, I'm one messed up freak, that's for sure...

The struggle continues...