S.O.S...

This same time last year I went into a huge depression that lasted the whole month of August and caused a deep, swirling pain in my solar plexus region. At the end of August, I decided to force my doctor to do something about it, instead of getting the usual shrug off I was always getting from him. He got me on an anti-depressant and referred me to the Bounce Back program, where you work on workbooks to improve things.

Now it has been a year. The pill is no longer working anymore, and I can't find those workbooks, nor would I find them useful. I just can't find something to look forward to anymore. And that is getting to me.

The depression beast is really biting my ass now. I had a sick day on Monday that I have to do without pay because I've already used up all but 3 days of my vacation days, and I need those for the forced office closure at the end of the year. I didn't even want to come in today. What's the point? I just feel like giving up.

I no longer have any drive or goals or anything. This is it. This is my life. It sucks! There's nothing to it. Get up, shower, eat, go to work, work, play on Facebook because I'm waiting for other people to finish their things so I can work, eat, more pretend work followed by a mass panic near the end of the work day for me to get something out, go home, eat, watch TV, go to bed, then all over again.

Is this all there is to life? Working so other people can get rich? Being isolated and lonely? Feeling like nothing is ever going to get better? No excitement? No adventures? No fun?

Sometimes I feel like I don't need to be here anymore. I wonder if things would be better had I never existed at all. What do I even contribute to the world? Would anyone even miss me if I were gone?

Honestly, if I didn't have my cat, I would probably have killed myself by now. She is what is keeping me going. I don't want to leave her alone. No one understands my cat like I do. She likes to talk and chatter with people she's very comfortable with. But I also know there will be a time when she is no longer alive... Then I would have a decision to make.

I don't know what the point of writing this all out is now. It isn't helping me feel better. In fact, I now feel worse. I suppose staying silent while pretending everything is fine isn't helping either. I would try to get therapy, but I have no money and there isn't that great of a benefit at this company, or in this province for that matter, for mental health.

I need a goal. A reason to keep on trying. Something to look forward to. What is the meaning of life? How does one be happy with where they are when where they are they are miserable? I feel utterly alone and have no idea how to get out from under this attack from the depression beast. I feel like it's holding me down on the ground while sitting it's big, fat ass on my head.

Anyways, I thought I'd try writing it out to see if that would help any, but sadly it hasn't. Thanks for reading, if anyone actually does.