Dissociations

The more I get into the idea of the Maladaptive Daydreaming, the more I am certain this is the problem that I have. I have also realized that I have a tendency to dissociate a lot about myself. From childhood faded memories, to today, I have a hard time really living as myself in the moment.

For the last few months, I have found it quite difficult to get anything done. Housecleaning has become a very rare phenomenon, only seeing myself doing the dishes when I run out of them, and my usual 2 loads of laundry a week. Otherwise I can't seem to get anything else done. It's been this way since before I went on vacation in June and had moved everything into my kitchen so the carpets could get replaced. Ever since coming back home from that trip, I haven't been able to really get motivated to clean. I moved things back to where they should be, but no cleaning.

I'm also noticing a difficulty at work. I find my mood has changed a lot here. I don't want to do my job and tend to play on Facebook a lot during the day. One of these days I'm going to get caught and get fired... I just don't know how to be motivated to do much these days.

And don't let me get started about my weight issues. I haven't been eating healthy or exercising in a long time and those pants I bragged about getting earlier this year no longer fit me as I've managed to regain all the weight I have lost in the last 2 years or so.

It's almost like I've decided subconsciously that I no longer want to have this life and just want to escape from it. Perhaps I need to be more challenged or find more ways to be creative at work. Perhaps I'm not doing what I really want to do. Perhaps I just don't care anymore. Perhaps I've given up.

Is that it? Have I given up? Is the joie de vivre completely gone? Are the only things in my life worth living these fantasies?

When I first determined this as per my last blog entry, I had also convinced myself that this daydreaming started around grade 7, the dreaded Junior High School days. Lately, I have realized this has been a problem a lot longer than that. I might have always had the ability to dissociate from my life, as there are quite a lot of memory gaps. I think it's different when you are a child because you can actually play with toys.

I had also convinced myself that the daydreams are never about me. That is actually not true, now that I think about it. There were many occasions where I would have pretend or imaginary conversations with people, usually to resolve an unresolved conflict of some kind. These daydreams varied from me standing up against the bullies—or saying what I wished I had said to them back in the day—to dealing with a difficult person I work with who's got a more domineering personality than I do, which usually entails me blowing off steam and getting really angry. Again, none of this is done in real life. It happens when I get home, and I'm by myself.

Do I talk to myself? Yes. All the time. These fantasies don't just live in my head. I speak the dialogue, portraying all the characters, either real or fantasy.

Anyways, the point of this entry is to state that I am absolutely certain I have a problem with dissociation. I am going to see a psychologist on Monday about it. I'm a little anxious already as I don't quite know what to expect, and also they don't come cheap. Very pricey... I'm worried I might go into debt with this.

However, I know I have to do this. I can no longer live my life like this. This is why I'm prone to lapsing into depression periods and thinking nothing good will ever happen anymore in my life. It's because I haven't really been living my life at all. That makes me sad and anxious as well, as I'm past 40 now and am terrified at the prospect that I still have to figure out who I am at this age. Keep calm and don't forget your towel.

Thanks for reading, for those who do.