Happiness

Greetings and salutations to anyone who actually reads my blogs! This is a different blog post than I normally write because of one very simple fact: I am really happy now.

I actually found myself smiling when I went home after work last night. For awhile I couldn't figure out why, but I enjoyed the feeling nonetheless. I was smiling ear-to-ear. After talking about it with my psychologist, I figured out it was because I cleaned my house on Sunday and came home to no clutter, and clean floors. I guess living in a mess for awhile was making my mind feel bogged down.

Also, yesterday marked 8 weeks since I've had a drop of soda. This was a long-time addiction that I never thought I would ever conquer, but am feeling like this time is different. After realizing that I am a highly sensitive person, I think there was something with soda that was affecting my brain chemistry in very odd ways. Either the sugar, or the caffeine, or the combination of the two, or the carbonated water was affecting my pH levels, or all of the above; but it was something. Now I actually feel more energetic and happy. How was I able to conquer the addiction? I had to change my inner dialogue from "a soda will make me feel better" to "a soda will not make me feel better; it actually makes me feel worse." Now I'm at a point where I no longer crave it.

What is really odd about this sudden bout of happiness is the timing of it. Usually, people find this particular time of the year depressing, because of the less daylight hours than usual and the cold (or in my case, the clouds and constant rain). I was one of those people, but would also find it depressing as my birthday quickly approaches and the whole Christmas/New Year's thing. I'd always feel like my year was wasted and I need to change things, so the resolutions thing would come into play.

I know resolutions can work if I put my mind to it. Coming up on January 1st, I will be celebrating 20 years since I decided to be a vegetarian. It was a decision I felt I needed to make for myself, as the older I got, the more compassion I would feel for animals. I really hate how humans treat animals, particularly in this day and age. But even as a kid, I remember not liking meat. I did enjoy hamburgers and hot dogs, as many kids do, but that was it. I hated all other meat, even roast beef, which was like the same meat. I quit it cold turkey, so to speak, and have never gone back. That convinces me that if I feel it is in my highest good to do something, I will do it.

I'm also seeing a lot of progress in myself as a result of my therapy. I'm starting to let go of some of the resentments and anger I have carried for a very long time about my past. I've switched my frame of thinking from believing that the bad incidents of my life plague me, to realizing that they were merely bumps in the road to my life. They shaped me into the person I am today. I have realized I am a really strong, compassionate, caring, funny person.

I'm starting to see that some things were not about me as I thought they were when I was a kid. I'm seeing the positivity even with the school bullying I went through. Had I not been bullied, I might not be so kind to people. I refuse to judge anyone on the basis of what they look like or who they are, as I had been judged in those ways. I judge people based on their actions and merit. I'm not a racist, a homophobic, or hateful person. True, there are some people I truly dislike because I don't agree with right-wing politics at all, and some are starting to show their racist traits even today. But I do believe people are allowed to voice their opinions, no matter how right or wrong I think they might be.

I also have discovered that I really do like who I am and where I am in my life. I love my job now. I feel it's the best job I could have and am truly grateful to have such a stable job. I feel like this could be the last job I ever work until I retire 25 years or so from now. I enjoy having my cat in my life. I love her so much.

I mentioned to my psychologist today that normally I feel like I'm stuck at the bottom of a long, dark tunnel. Usually I could see a light at the end of the tunnel and be able to pull myself a little higher in the tunnel. Last year, however, I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel at all. That's what prompted me to get on an anti-depressant and try to find some kind of help. Today I feel like I'm still in the tunnel, but way closer to the exit. It's within my grasp.

Incidentally, I am also starting to decrease my anti-depressant dosage to eventually get it out of my system completely, and yet I still feel great, so yay!

The only thing I want to work on now psychologically is conquering my weight issues and social anxiety issues. Mell needs to branch out and make more friends! And that's precisely what I intend to do... One small step at a time.

Anyways, I should wind this blog post up. Thanks a lot for reading it, for those who do.

Mell