Year in Review 2016

As another year ends, I want to do what many bloggers do and do a year in review. The purpose is really for me to see how far I've come in a year, and what areas I need improving on as I formulate my resolutions for 2017.

A lot of people seem to have mixed feelings about 2016. Some horrible things happened, ranging from terrorist attacks, to more police either being shot dead or automatically killing black "suspects", to a terrible U.S. election, to so many celebrity deaths this year that it feels like someone has kicked us all in the stomach. Some great things have happened too, and many are posting around Facebook about it. I for one am a little nervous as the days towards a Trump Presidency looms on the horizon.

It's hard to have hope for a good year knowing that ass-clown is going to be in charge of a very powerful nation, who has the temperament of a toddler, with an ego larger than life itself, who is already pissing of China (which I think is terrible to do seeing as America owes them a shitload of money and all), and even threatening to strengthen the U.S. nuclear weapons program. He's appointing people to very important department heads who are basically against those departments and will likely dismantle them all. It's scary to see what he's trying to get away with. Perhaps this could be the end of the American Empire. Or perhaps I should pay less attention to politics in 2017.

Anyways, without further ado, here is my year in review:

January

I had some very powerful dreams in January this past year, which I seemed to blame on my anti-depressants. One dream gave me the following feeling when I woke up:

Love is more powerful than hate, and it is so much easier. Hate comes from somewhere external. You have to constantly feed it for it to grow in you and it also takes a lot of energy out of yourself. Love comes from deep within you. It starts as a seed or spark at the centre of your being. All it requires for it to grow is to let go of anger and hate and nourish it. Forgive those who harm you, for they have not allowed love to grow within themselves. If you continue to dwell on it, you continue to feed it. Love takes very little effort or energy. It is inside everyone. If one truly wants peace, continue to love everyone, especially those who have harmed you. All they know is hate and want to continue to battle. They have no idea how to respond to love. When you show them how easy it is, they too will embrace it.

I had another dream but it was too silly to write in here. It is definitely a message worthy of repeating and I have to try to remember that from now on.

February

After writing a very lengthy entry, I can to a very important realization about what made me decide to get married in the first place. I realized a very important connection between me realizing I could no longer fix my parents' problems to suddenly finding a man who represented the very same problems they had in a subconscious effort to try to continue to solve the problem. This was not intended to place blame on my parents, although they did interpret it that way and maybe there was a better way to tell the story, but it was a realization that made me finally aware of what made me make the worst mistake in my life. It was very cathartic. You cannot change what you don't acknowledge, after all.

March

I wound up falling into depression again, wondering what the point of my life is. I felt like my job was too routine and boring and there was no real creativity in my life. I felt like I didn't know how to interact with anyone even if I was out and about, as many times I have been to get togethers, I usually sit off in a corner by myself, watching people but feeling overwhelmed because everyone is talking at the same time. I wound up the posting with an Osho quote: "You will find meaning in your life only if you create it." I have struggled to identify how to create it, even to this day.

April

I started the month off still fluctuating between feelings of depression and feelings of everything is fine. I decided to try to stay home and get a handle on cleaning up the office. I was really down on myself for sitting on my ass and doing nothing that weekend, but thought maybe I should call them "self care" days. While trying to figure out how to fix my life, find happiness in my job, and deal with packing things up before the carpet installation in June, I continued to put more things on my plate. I started a new meet-up ground for Richmond for Healthy things like exercise groups, and so forth, as I was getting really tired of seeing group after group only offering ways to scam you out of money or to try to get you to join them in selling the latest, greatest thing in weight loss, which only costs a ton of money and is basically a pyramid scheme. I also overheard the neighbour's daughter call me "really fat" to one of her friends when describing me. I decided that maybe the new group was a good thing and might help me with Key 7: Your Circle of Support in the Dr. Phil book.

Towards the end of the month I realized I didn't need to get rid of things right away. I just had to prepare to move them out of the office for the carpet installation. It made my anxiety diminish and I felt a breath of fresh air. I had a few more realizations that made my stress level diminish and recharged my energy to get things done. I felt so much better.

May

Stress was starting to creep up once again, as my work started getting very busy with demanding print runs suddenly flooding me to set up. My busy season, as it were. I seemed to get phone calls every couple of minutes of people demanding I do this or that. I chastised myself for finding myself reaching for food when I get too much stress or anxiety, even though pretty much everyone does it. However I noted that I did eat healthy for the rest of the week and realized I needed to celebrate my victories and not get so hard on myself for a setback. I also realized I need to do more Osho Zen Tarot readings.

At the end of the month, I faced a massive boredom. This was because all the season finales had aired and all my DVDs and video games were packed up in boxes. I also decided to try to cut down on Pepsi again. I tried to think that perhaps I might do so until the trip to Alberta during my carpet installation.

June

This was the time I had the carpet installation and took a vacation to visit my parents' home. While there, I rested and did go to see the Star Trek museum in Vulcan, just before they shut down and moved to Lethbridge. I also realized that being in Strathmore for the first time in quite a few years that I was drastically different from the majority of the people around. I went into their Wal-Mart (which didn't exist when I was a kid), and saw all the women were basically wearing the exact same things: very light blue "Mom jeans" and a t-shirt in the same styles but different colours. I felt like I was in an episode of the Twilight Zone or it was something similar to Children of the Corn. I realized I was radically different from the locals, so perhaps that was why I was singled out in the first place. There I was in the store, wearing a superhero t-shirt and pants.

I wrote a post about Fear, in which I saw another horrible shooting event take place in the states, observed the fear of refugees being called terrorists and many other problems that month. I realized the only thing that can defeat fear and hate is to face your fears straight on and it prompted to admit something I kept to myself, which was that I now have realized I am an asexual person. I haven't really opened it up much to many people I know in person, although if they read this post they will know it now. I may decide to open it up more in person as I become more confident in myself. I also want to attend an ACE meeting sometime this upcoming year to meet others like me.

August

I didn't post anything in July, so I will skip that month.

In August I realized I was depressed again. I couldn't get motivated in all of July to reorganize my place after the carpet installation. My desires to lose weight went to the dumpster as I started ballooning up again.

I realized the medication I was on didn't seem to be working anymore, that this time depression snuck up on me and I didn't even realize it. I wrote a long blog post about my depression beast biting my ass again and decided it was finally time to find a therapist and talk all this shit out.

Then I pulled myself together to try to figure out exactly what my problem was. I thought I suffered from some form of dissociation, and finally discovered what it was: maladaptive daydreaming. I used it as a coping mechanism when I was going through the bullying as a kid, but I never let it go after I got out of there.

September

After the self-diagnosis of maladaptive daydreaming, I went to the psychologists of BC page and started searching for some that specialized in that area. I realized it wasn't cheap, but decided it was better than trying to do this all on my own because clearly it wasn't working.

October

I had my first appointment with a psychologist and he recommended that I read a certain book on the Highly Sensitive Person. At the end of September I made a conscious decision to rid myself of all soda completely. First I stopped with Pepsi on a Friday, then I stopped soda altogether the following Monday. I decided to change my inner mantra from "a soda will make me feel better" to "a soda will not make me feel better; it actually makes me feel worse." I had to repeat it a few times to myself to get it into my brain, but I finally succeeded at ridding myself of one of my longest addictions out there: soda. Then the realization came that the longer I abstained from drinking soda, the less I felt the depression cloud over my head. It came to a point where I suddenly realize I was no longer depressed and hadn't been for quite awhile.

November

I continued to stay off of soda and celebrated the whole month of October off of soda. I was contemplating what next to either add to or reduce from my habits for weight, but didn't really come up with anything. I realized that depression beast was no longer there and I felt far closer to the light at the end of the tunnel than I felt in years, maybe even decades. I did, however, struggle a bit in the month as I needed to figure out if I was staying where I am living now (due to a rent increase) or if I had to downsize. I applied all over the place for housing co-ops, but so far I've only been placed on 2 waiting lists. I have elected to stay where I am now until I can find a suitable co-op, a large bag of money falls out of the sky, or a suitable apartment opens up somewhere.

The U.S. election results made me feel like I was punched in the gut. My reaction was similar to Stephen Colbert's, only without the alcohol. I was disgusted at Trump when I heard about the affidavit which detailed how he raped a 13 year old girl, and couldn't believe the electoral college elected that bozo. I still can't believe it. However, it did make me aware of what an electoral college was, as I never knew that was how elections were called. Somehow I had the feeling that the voters elected people there. I guess not. I was hoping for Sanders, then for Hillary, but problem with her was she made too many mistakes and as a woman, you cannot make any mistakes if you want to run for President.

At the end of the month, I found myself really happy. I was smiling ear to ear. I had finally managed to clean my home, which was a disaster since trying to make a Halloween costume became a massive fail. I came home to no clutter at all and felt relieved. Also the continuing abstaining from soda was making me feel better and better. I also started to see real progress as a result of my therapy. I did some EMDR therapy about an issue that had plagued me for many years and found that it worked. I let go of the resentment I felt about that incident and came to realize some things that were quite pivotal.

December

I continued my soda-free lifestyle and was worried about the holiday season, as I've never gone one without soda in I don't know how long. I am very happy to report that as of right now, 7:34 pm on December 31st, I am still soda-free and know full well I have conquered that addiction. I realized I was working on Key 2 a lot this year (Healing Feelings) by continuing to go to EA meetings, seeing my therapist, and also having a weight loss buddy.

I have also decided that as my one New Year's resolution, I want to focus 100% on my weight and health. I'm going back to the Dr. Phil plan that I've blogged about for quite awhile and will start fresh tomorrow.

Last week, we were hit with another blow. I blogged about what Princess Leia meant to me and how upset losing my hero Carrie Fisher was to me.

Well, that wraps up my year in review. As I've mentioned I want 2017 to be about the year I finally get my weight under control. 100% of my focus will be on that. I still have to create a tailored plan with small steps to figure out for each key, but I will do that tonight.

I hope everyone has a fun and safe and happy New Year! Let's hope 2017 doesn't turn out to be a complete and total disaster.