Poor me thinking

I seem to be staggering in life at the moment. Things have been very weird for me and many days I find it a bit of a struggle to get things done or any kind of motivation to make myself healthier in any way. My place is a disaster zone and I find it really hard to get myself up to clean anything.

Over a month ago, my father suffered a major heart attack. He is still healing from it, may require another surgery, and so forth. Seeing as this increases my risk factor for having heart disease, I decided to go to the doctor to find out if anything was wrong. I wanted to know my cholesterol level, as I haven't been tested for that in ages. My doctor also sent me for blood sugar levels.

I procrastinated a full week or two before I went to the Life Labs to get my blood tested. For those who don't know, I freak out over needles and hate to see blood (or any bodily fluid, really). I finally got the blood tested on April 15th, which was a Saturday, as early in the morning as I could get myself up. The test required fasting for 10 hours.

I probably shouldn't have had pizza for dinner the night before, but yeah, that's how I roll when I get anxious.

By Monday, I returned home from work to discover a message on my answering machine that the doctor wanted to see me. I was shocked at how fast the test results came in from the blood test Saturday morning, to when the receptionist phoned me at 9:00 in the morning on Monday. I guess they do the testing right at the labs or something.

On the 19th, I went in to the doctor. He informed me that my blood sugar levels have skyrocketed since the last time I had it tested, which was in August of 2015. Then my blood sugar level was at around a 6.5; just under the pre-diabetes mark, which starts at 7.0 or higher. This time, the number shot up to a 9.4, which he thinks may likely be diabetes. He wanted me to get a retest for confirmation, as well as checking out my kidney functions. I went in again on last Saturday morning. I actually tried to eat healthier than usual the last 2 days before I took the blood test.

Incidentally, it would be nice to know ahead of time if one of the tests I am going in for is a urine test as well as blood, then I wouldn't have peed first thing in the morning, but I digress...

Instead of waiting until I got home to see if I had any messages today, I called after I came back from lunch to see if the test results were in. They were, and she indicated she left a message on my machine that he wanted to see me again. I made an appointment for tomorrow morning.

This has me rattled a lot emotionally. I felt I've made some progress in eliminating soda from my diet completely, but I guess it wasn't enough. Fear is now taking over me. I am consumed by feelings of anxiety, guilt, remorse, and despondency. I am definitely going through the various stages of grief.

I learned at a young age not to deal with my emotions; to turn to food to suppress them. My mother is very much a "love them with food" type of person, and I have come to realize that whenever I was upset as a kid, I got food. It wasn't always healthy food. It created this need in me to suppress my feelings with food. Now, I am not blaming my mother for this entirely, but do know it's where I learned the behaviour from.

I am also what you would call a very picky eater. I like the usual food I like, and any changes to that feels like a threat to me. After the first blood test appointment, I went through a bout of depression, just feeling like life was worthless. I was feeling quite upset that I might not be able to have chocolate or pasta or any of the foods I love to eat anymore.

I was staring at myself in my bathroom mirror, thinking about it. I do this sometimes when I find myself really depressed, almost like I'm having a conversation with myself. I realized it all boils down to a choice I have to make: Do I decide to do what it takes to eat healthy, exercise, and deal with my emotions head on instead of suppressing them; or do I keep doing what I've been doing my whole adult life and possibly have it claim my life at an early age? Do I want to live into my twilight years, or would I rather die young? To be or not to be, that is the question.

It has created a bit of an personal crisis in me. Saturday after I got back from shopping and stuff, I went to Pizza Hut and ordered lots of food. Today I had another Boston Cream doughnut from Tim's. I'm scared and anxious and am feeling like this could be my last hurrah at eating junk food. Can I survive without sugar? Or chocolate? There are certain days when I need my chocolate or people might die. What do I do on those days?

My doctor did indicate that if it is confirmed that I am diabetic, he would send me to a clinic. I suppose I could figure all that stuff out with the help from the people there. It is also important for me to note (not just to whoever reads this, but also to myself) that diabetes can contribute to emotional problems as well as an increased depression.

I have been doing some research on it. I'm making myself a little booklet on information I am finding on diabetes.ca. I've also mentioned it in both of my support groups. One I created on meetup.com called Richmond Healthy Living Meet-up. I have a support group I see on Wednesday evenings where we talk about diet and exercise and health related things. Mentioning it to the group made them decide that we change the focus for the next meet-up to be finding out about what diabetes is and the all the various risks involved. It's great that I have this group, as they want to learn more about it simply because I might have been diagnosed with it. It tells me they care, which is nice when I think about it.

The other support group is the Emotions Anonymous group I go to every Saturday. Sadly, one member brought in some chocolate easter eggs as she wanted help in getting rid of them so she didn't binge on them, and I found it hard to resist the temptation to eat them. After 1, I kept popping more in my mouth. When I shared my possible diagnosis and the emotional crisis it has created in me, she quickly pulled the baggy off the table and hid them back in her pocket. It's not really her fault. I was feeling really crummy and the chocolate is the biggest thing I reach for for food when I am emotional.

I guess I have a lot to think about. I guess I will take it one step at a time and see the doctor tomorrow to see where I go from here.

Thanks for reading, for those who do.