Hopelessness

Last weekend, I went to the Fan Expo in Vancouver on Saturday and Sunday. Every time one of these events happens, I try to psych myself up and tell myself to be friendly and make some new friends, because I am lonely as Hell. I'm a socially awkward person who doesn't know how to socialize all that well, but wants desperately to find my people. People I might have something in common with. That I could have lengthy conversations with. And every time I go there, inevitably, I wind up feeling even more alone than if I had just stayed home.

I have been a lifelong fan of DC Comics' characters. So you would think my people would be fellow superhero fans and cosplayers. I always feel like I'm the odd duck in the bunch, no matter what kind of group activity I am involved with. I see other people talking and socializing with their friends and it makes me feel odd. I'm alone at these conventions. I don't talk to anyone. Then I feel more awkward because I think people are noticing that I am there by myself, so I start doing dumb things like spend money I don't have on crap I don't need. In the moment, I want to feel a sense of relief. A sense of being normal. But then I wind up putting even more money on my already overloaded credit cards. Then I feel bad about being poor. Then I want to eat my emotions away and stuff my face full of horrible things designed only to make me feel better in the moment.

That's what I seem to be doing lately: trying to feel relief in the moment I feel down. It's making me a little desperate. I think now I've not only got an addiction to food, but also to spending money. I want the instant gratification of getting the stuff. I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to live and be a normal person.

Lately I have become very much aware of my age. I feel more older, more wrinklier, more ancient every single day. Sometimes I think it's just in my head. Many people who find out I'm over 40 say I don't look it. I never know if they are being sincere, or if they're just being nice. Then a picture happens and reminds me all too well how much I have let myself go. Take this image, for instance:

I was deciding whether or not to get a photo with Brandon Routh, because I have a bit of a crush on him, and love how he played both Superman/Clark Kent and The Atom/Ray Palmer. I love his smile. It has so much warmth and sincerity to it. Then I found out Neal McDonough was also there for the Legends of Tomorrow photo op, and just had to get this. Again, something that was far more expensive than I should have gotten, but in the moment I just had to have it.

I bought the Superman shirt the day before and wore it for the photo op because Brandon Routh played Superman once. Usually when I get these photos, I post them to Facebook with my geek pride flag waving proudly. I haven't been able to bring myself to do it this time. I really can't stand how I look at all.

I hate the fat. I hate the hair. I hate that my boobs are starting to sag. Somehow I still convince myself they are perky. Then I see a photo and nope, they are starting to head south.

I've always struggled with my appearance, primarily because I don't think I'm all that attractive. I was called ugly a lot as a kid and teenager, and I guess when I see myself in photos, it makes me cringe. But this was far worse than normal. This time, I felt old. I see more wrinkles. I see the drooping. I see the fat arms that somehow I convince myself are not fat. I see the big waste. I see a big, fat, useless, pathetic loser.

It could just be the winter blues taking over. It could be the usual dread feeling I get when my birthday starts to approach. It could just all be in my own mind. But I cannot deny that it is what I am feeling.

It has pushed me back into a depression again. I feel hopeless. I feel powerless to do anything positive with my life. I feel like the only thing I have to look forward to is the next superhero TV show or movie. I don't feel like I'm living my life to the full potential I should be. I feel like I'm just wasting my life away. I even find that my lifelong obsession with superheroes might just be another pathetic thing about me.

I don't know how to be the hero of my own story. I don't even know what my story should be like. Do I matter at all in this world? Have I contributed anything to society? If I were not here, would things have turned out better for others?

I don't know... I don't know how to pull myself out of this funk. I don't know how to get control over my emotions, over my overeating, over my money, over my life.

I needed to write all of this shit down because I've kept it inside me for well over a week. I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel again. I want to find hope in my life... other than the next Justice League movie which will probably be the most epic thing in cinematic history.

Speaking of which, I did see this latest Justice League movie, which also made me feel old. The first time around, I had to leave the theatre in the middle of the epic fight scene, so I missed how they defeated Steppenwolf. I had to pee. It was only a 2 hour movie, but I couldn't hold it any longer. The dam was ready to explode. So I saw it again today just to get that closure (and because it was a damn good movie). But again, it makes me more aware of how I am aging quickly.

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. I always think that's so profound, but then I realize I have no idea what "life" looks like.