An update on life, such as it is

I know it's been awhile since I have written anything. Things have been chaotic at times, and boring at other times. I haven't quite known what to write about in awhile. I thought I would try to put some words on screen and see where I wind up.

This summer has seen a repeat of last year with regard to forest fires in BC. Hell, all over the rocky mountains or west coast there are fires raging. Up until yesterday, there has been smog and smoke in the region. It has made breathing difficult and my migraines worse on some days, but it was still somewhat breathable because the smoke was higher up in the air. Yesterday, it began falling closer to the ground and I had to actually close all my windows as the smoke was getting more and more intense. I like to have my windows open a crack in the summer for a nice, cool air flow throughout the place. Now I can't do that, and it's supposed to get really hot this week. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. No fresh air as windows are all closed, but I will get hot and might have to use fans, which makes it very hard to sleep at night with the noise of a fan blowing in your face.

Sadly, this is becoming a normal occurrence in BC. In fact, in 8 of the last 10 years, we've had to deal with forest fires in our province during the summer. Those who don't think it's connected to climate change need to read a book sometime. It worries me and makes me feel like we won't be able to survive this much longer. But what can we do when our politicians are all so damned consumed with greed, take money from Big Oil and other polluting industries, and continue to push the fossil fuel economy. What good is money if no one can live on this world anymore?

As always, I have been struggling with food and diet and exercise and so forth. In fact, with all this smog, I can't exercise. I have come to a few realizations about my problems with food. I believe I have an addiction to food, and possibly even an eating disorder known as Binge Eating Disorder. I seem completely out of control about it now. Constantly eating junk food. It's like I'm trying to fill a void or something.

Last week, I started researching eating disorders and this is where I've come to believe I have this disorder. It gave a list of places I could try to help deal with it. One of which was another 12 step type of group called Food Addicts Anonymous. As they had a meeting on Saturday afternoon, I decided to give it a try, seeing as I am very familiar with the 12-step group format from my dealings with Emotions Anonymous.

While I found the three other people who were in the group welcoming and felt a good vibe in the room, from what I have already gathered about the food plan, I just don't know how I could possibly do it. They believe that we have an allergy to sugar and wheat and the plan is basically to eliminate it all from our diet. I don't know if I am strong enough to do something that drastic, especially as a vegetarian. Hell, even my vegetarian protein substitution has wheat in it. I have no idea what I would eat, nor do I feel like I could actually do it. This is an addiction I've had my entire life. I can't just give it up. It seems too drastic to me. I'm sure it works, but I just don't see it as being realistically achievable for me.

This left me feeling very disappointed and a little depressed. I mean, I tend to get depressed every August, but so far I am doing my best to keep the depression beast at bay. Little disappointments like this make me feel a little upset at first, and then of course leads to a binge. I'm trying to remind myself that that group was just one of very many links on a page to seek help for my disorder. I must keep trying until I find something that works for me. For starters, I'm going to track my food with a food diary I made up on a Google Sheet and try to discern any patterns that crop up.

I also had a bit of a realization. I'm a person who is interested in metaphysical things like chakras and so forth. I was talking with a new friend I've met who has started coming to EA meetings. We walk to the skytrain station together after the meeting when she's there and have some interesting conversations. I mentioned that I had a raspy voice due to the fact that all the smoke in the region was affecting my throat. She noted that was likely my throat chakra feeling a little blocked.

This got my brain working, remembering everything I ever learned about chakras. It is very possible that my overwhelming desire to eat (whether it is the addiction or eating disorder) is a way to try to reach my happy centre, or solar plexus. I am trying to feed my happiness literally with food instead of things that might actually make me happy. I need to think about this a little more and maybe do some more researching into the matter.

All I know for sure is I cannot keep doing this forever. I should have had the realization to change last year when I got diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, but I have not. I don't want my health or my weight to get worse than it already is. But... is that enough for me to kick my own ass in gear? Not really... I tend to think I'm not worth taking care of myself. I know that's the depression beast talking. I really need to work on my self-esteem.

Anyways, I should probably wind up this blog post. Thank you for reading, for those that do.