I'm still alive, sort of...

I just realized that I haven't posted a blog post since August of last year. I thought it would be a good idea to do this now, as quite a lot of things have happened since then.

I managed to cut out all soda from my diet during the last week of August, with a few times where I found myself having one here or there. Sometimes it was due to an upset stomach, which usually makes me want a Gingerale. Sometimes it was to see if I still liked the taste of Diet Pepsi, which I am happy to say I don't. Yet another time last week happened because I was feeling very anxious and depressed and felt I needed one.

But for the most part, I am happy to say that that terrible addiction I've had since childhood is now officially gone. I have many other food issues to work through, but that I do see as a major accomplishment, and I am proud of myself for it. It isn't easy when you get yourself addicted to things to just suddenly decide it's not good for you anymore. I've in fact come to view soda now as a poison. There's just nothing good about it, and all it does is elevate your blood sugar levels (yes, even Diet sodas can do that). Plus, I was suffering from severe and regular migraines. Cutting out Diet Pepsi has almost eliminated the migraines, or at least so it happens once in awhile as opposed to on a weekly basis. It was also increasing my depression, as Diet sodas have been linked to depression.

If you are still one of those people who drinks soda regularly, I would suggest you stop doing it. You have no idea how much damage it can do to you. I blame it on why I got diabetes in the first place. I know there are other reasons, like biological, and other food issues I have. But you really have no idea how much of that stuff I was drinking on a regular basis.

In my last blog post, I mentioned how I discovered that I might in fact have what is known as binge eating disorder, or BED. It is similar to bulimia, but without the purging. When I get into a binge, I have a hard time stopping. I eat and eat and eat and can't seem to find a full spot. I know it's tied to my emotions, as I will suppress my emotions, good or bad, by stuffing my face. I think it's to fill some sort of void or something.

On a doctor's appointment in late October I think, my doctor mentioned my blood sugar levels were not decreasing and my cholesterol level was a little too high for someone who has diabetes. He has put me on Crestor and increased my dosage of Metformin from one pill a day to two; one at breakfast, and one at dinner. He told me again that I needed to lose weight and eat healthier. I decided to tell him I can't just do that because I have a food addiction issue, as well as a suspected BED. He said he never heard of it, but I presented him with research I did on the subject and a place for him to refer me to, which thankfully he did this time.

It is a group therapy or teaching session hosted by people who work with people who have eating disorders. I had the initial interview in November and have in fact been given the diagnosis of BED. So now I feel like I'm vindicated on this. It took them awhile to start a group up, as they were trying to get more people involved. I finally had my very first meeting on January 15th. A lot of information and a homework assignment to do, which consists of me writing down the times I eat and determining how hungry or full I am based on a continuum, and noticing what my various physical sensations of hunger are. I have to admit after doing it for a week and a half, it's making me more aware of when I am physically hungry versus when I am not. There will be five more sessions, and they run every other week on Tuesdays right after work.

I had a really bad cold that started in late November or early December, even giving me a touch of laryngitis on a couple of days. It was all in the throat, not a head cold and not a chest thing. That coughing and sore throat lasted for the rest of the year and into the beginning of January. I finally went to see my doctor about it, who was a temporary fill in doctor as mine was away. He diagnosed me with bronchitis and gave me antibiotics to take. Thankfully, it has finally cleared up. It was the longest cough I've had since I first moved to Burnaby. My landlords at the time ran their wood burning fireplace for a Christmas dinner party they hosted, and a plume of smoke came into our suite (I was still married at the time) from our adjoining fireplace. That cough lasted about the same length of time. I have been smoke-sensitive ever since.

Last Christmas, my Mom invited me to go to their new place for the holidays to visit and celebrate the holiday together. It probably would have been more enjoyable if I hadn't still been sick at the time. I spent a lot of time trying to deal with the cough and one day accidentally took a nighttime pill during the day and vice versa, and wound up going back to bed after waking up because it wiped me right out. I also saw Aquaman with my brother in Calgary, which was an amazingly awesome movie.

I brought Diana along with me. I wasn't sure how she would handle a flight let alone a strange house with people she doesn't know well or at all, and a cat that my parents now have. Diana is the kind of cat who has issues. Lucy was very friendly to most people and really only hated my ex-husband, which made her a very good judge of character. Diana is scared of everyone, particularly men. She tends to get braver and braver, but yeah, this cat has issues. She's never really been scared of me, though, so I have taken that to mean that not only did I choose her, but she chose me as well. She managed to handle the trip as well as expected, spending most of the time in my room hiding or staying on or under the bed. She did venture out occasionally to the living room or kitchen area from time to time near the end of the trip.

Pebbles, my parents' cat, really wanted to be friends with Diana. She was constantly trying to be near her and you could tell she really wanted to play with her. Diana was not having any of that and was really hissing and growling for the first two days around Pebbles. Pebbles would even try to get in a submissive pose to try to put Diana at ease, but she was still not having it. Towards the end of the trip, Diana was at least tolerating the existence of Pebbles.

Now on to the scary thing that has happened. During the first weekend of January, my Dad had to be rushed to a hospital, as a couple of his toes had turned black. He had an infection in his foot that started from a callous and spread to his toes. He wound up getting all of his toes on his right foot amputated. It scared me how so sudden that happened. Everything seemed fine during Christmas, although now I think I remember seeing him rub his foot one night. It makes me realize how really scary this diabetes thing is. He's lost teeth, and even had a massive heart attack, but this for some odd reason is the thing that has freaked me out the most in terms of me wanting to change my ways.

Last weekend the infection was still pretty bad and the doctors decided they needed to take his whole foot off. They amputated it to about the mid-shin area. He's still in the hospital, still fighting the infection with antibiotics, and will likely wait two months before he can get a prosthetic leg. All of this has shocked me and is making me really want to change my diet and lose weight and hopefully reverse this type 2 diabetes thing completely.

I have been struggling with waking up lately. Just constantly wanting to sleep in. It's getting to the point that it's affecting my work, because I am oversleeping or waking up with headaches and staying home to fix them by sleeping even more. I am starting to realize my sleeping issues are affecting my health and if I am not careful, possibly even my job. Part of the reason is because of constant depression I've struggled with since my teen years, and part of it is anxiety I am feeling about what has happened to my Dad and the worry it gives me about my own health.

When I look back on my life, I started desiring to sleep in during my teen years, starting in around Junior High School. My life during grade 7 was easily the worst year of my life. I was being mercilessly bullied and ostracized and the depression began to take root. I'd spend my time watching TV, reading comic books, and living in a fantasy world where I would imagine what would happen next in the heroes' lives. I had no life of my own. No real friends, no one to talk to, bored, I couldn't play with toys anymore, and I didn't know what to do with myself. On days I didn't have to go to school, I'd sleep in until 2:00 in the afternoon.

I've been doing that again a lot lately. I tend to see my weekends as my sleep-in days. I'm beginning to see this is very problematic, because it is making my work days harder to get up and harder to concentrate. Sometimes I even find myself nodding off to sleep at my computer at work in the mornings. This is impacting my work performance and I am now worried eventually it will get me fired with all these late days and so forth.

So I have to change that too. I have to make myself get up and go to sleep at the same time every day. It's not going to be easy, as I've been doing this since my teens, but I have to do it now. I have to remember if I can cut out one habit I've done since my teens (soda), then I can do this, too. It's also making me miss out on life, if you think about it. So much time in bed when I could be up doing things. I'm going to try to do this starting this weekend. I hope I can. This pattern is not good for me. Also, I read today on WebMD that excessive sleep can lead to more issues with diabetes, heart disease and other health issues.

So that's what's been going on with me in the last little while. I've been worried about my Dad, my own health and various other things that I didn't get to in this email about external political things, but I don't want to focus on those at the moment. I want to focus on me. I want to stop these self-destructive problems I have with food, laziness, and excessive sleep. I don't know if I can, but damn it, I have to try. Cross your fingers, everyone. I need all the help I can get.

I will wind this blog post up now. Thank you for reading this, for those that do.