Devastatingly Painful Depression

When I got home from work on Monday, I had a phone message on my answering machine. It was the receptionist from my doctor's office. Incidentally, I've told her a million times to call me at work as I have my own phone extension, but she still calls the home number. They had received the results of the blood tests I got done on Saturday morning. She said my doctor still thinks the blood sugar is too high, as well as the resting blood sugar, and is now doubling my Metformin from one pill, twice a day to two pills, two times a day.

This initiated a serious bout of depression in me. I felt utterly useless and hopeless. I felt like I'm just wasting my time on this world. I don't have a life, and I don't take good care of myself. Then there was a moment of clarity. I realized somewhere along the lines I gave up on myself.

I just stopped caring about myself. I decided quite some time ago that I wasn't important enough. I'm not quite sure when that happened or why, but I feel like it was a decision I made at some point in my life. It's affected quite a lot of my life.

This is why I reach for food as a drug to try to numb my emotional pain. This is why I oversleep and have difficulties waking up to going in to work. It's not that I hate my job. I really like it and feel very fortunate to continue to have a career in the print graphic design industry, when all other signs point to a failing industry. Sure, there are times I don't like it, like when sales reps are suddenly giving me a ton of work to do with not a lot of time to do it in, or the reverse, when I have absolutely nothing to do. And yeah, sometimes I feel like I'm not really doing what I want to do, but I don't even know what I want to do, so I don't know... It's hard to explain. I don't quite feel like it's my passion, but again, I don't know what is. It's a comfortable, well paying and stable job. I like my department and my supervisor. I have just the right amount of responsibilities, and am even considering sharing those responsibilities with others at work so those times when everything is due at once can go a lot smoother than early last month did.

It's basically everything else in my life I am super unhappy about. I've become a hermit again, barely going out or hanging out with other people. I spend most of my time on my own. Isolated. Away from people. Sure, I venture out to do some shopping now and then, but I never really interact with anyone. I feel very lonely, and know it is something I am imposing on myself, but I don't know how to stop that vicious cycle.

The depression hit me so hard that yesterday I couldn't get going. I woke up at the regular time, even got up to pee, but I couldn't for the life of me get up from sitting on my bed after I went to the bathroom and put some clothes on. I felt utterly defeated. I felt lost and confused. I felt like I had given up on myself a long time ago. After struggling for quite some time, and seeing I was already an hour late for work, I finally made the decision to call in another sick day. I did not go back to sleep though, but it still took me a bit to get up and have a shower.

I think it's important for me to write this stuff down and share my struggles with those who actually do read my blog. I don't do it necessarily to help others or for them; I do it for myself; to try to heal and figure things out. I don't know if I will ever figure them out, but I do feel like this year is the year when all of this crap is coming to the surface, and I will find a way to solve it. I have to. I can't keep doing this to myself.

I think I started this blog post with the intention of letting my fingers do the walking and figure out what is going on. When did I stop caring about myself and why? So please bear with me while I try to figure this out.

I think a lot of it has to do with the wounds I still carry from the bullying I experienced as a kid and teenager. Having kids call me ugly on a regular basis really hurt me and made me feel like, a. it's true, and b. I can't really trust people. There were many occasions in my past when I would have a friend just suddenly stop being friends with me. They would join the dark side of the force and begin making fun of me. Other times, it was people pretending to be nice to me only to get some juicy tidbit out of me to use to later make fun of me with. How can you trust people when they do things like that to you?

I carry around so much pain from those experiences. I've let them write on the slate of who I am. I've let those bastards win. I doubt any of them even think twice about me nowadays, nor do they realize how much power they still wield over me and my life, or how badly they actually hurt me. But I have to acknowledge that they do have that kind of power over me.

I feel like I am wasting my life. This isn't how I'm supposed to be like. I'm not supposed to be alone, lonely and isolated. I'm not supposed to be sleeping my weekends away, trying to avoid those lonely feelings. I'm not supposed to be obese and living with type 2 diabetes. I'm not supposed to be who I am. I think that is the source of my pain. I don't feel like I am living true to my authentic self. I don't even know who that authentic self is anymore.

I made a call yesterday to my doctor to try to get him to refer me to a mental health office for some therapy. I can't afford to go to a therapist all the time, who basically keeps telling me I need to change my diet anyways. I need to deal with these past traumas that still haunt me and make me feel like I'm not worthy enough to take good care of myself. It's kind of like I am punishing myself or something. At least that's how it feels like. But what do I feel guilty about? What did I do that is so unforgiveable?

Inevitably, I finally ventured out of the house yesterday at around 3:00. I got a personal pan pizza and Diet Pepsi (starting to creep back into my life...) and went to Staples to print out my first assignment for my BED session, as I was not in the office and couldn't print it at home. Then I went to the mall, had a DQ blizzard and went to the Indigo book store. I spotted a book at the entrance about gaining control over emotional eating that caught my eye right away. It was almost like it was calling to me in a weird way. Then I went to the self-help/health area. I was just scanning the books to see if something would jump out at me, and indeed something did.

It's based on her popular book the life-changing magic of tidying up, but illustrated in a manga style. I'm already about halfway through the book in one night of reading it, which means this format is perfect for me. Another problem I have is buying books and wanting to read them, but not getting around to them. Yet another issue I have is with my environment, both home and at work office. I am not a neat and tidy person and will have clutter around quite a lot. I always want to declutter and get rid of stuff but never know how or where to start. This book is already teaching me some things.

So, just so I know you are paying attention here, this year I seem to be concerned about my emotional eating, binge eating disorder, excessive sleeping, and my messy life. Basically, a lot going on internally right now.

I have to find a way to turn on the switch that went off a long time ago. That message I sent to myself that I'm not worthy or important enough. I need to reverse that. I need to put myself first and I need to fix these issues. I won't be happy until I do. This I know to be true. I really hope the BC NDP and Greens have changed the system enough so now I can get a doctor referral. I really need therapy. I'm always trying to analyze myself and fix myself... But wind up falling back into the old patterns, and then of course feel like a massive failure as a result.

Anyways, I'm sure I will write more about my journey. I do feel like I am on a journey now, or a quest. A quest to fix the problems I have and finally figure out how to get a life. It'll take time and a lot of introspection, but must be done. I can't keep putting my life on hold. I am worth it and I do deserve to be happy. I am important and worthy of my attention. My physical health and wellness is as important as my mental health and wellness.

Anyways, thanks for reading, for those who do.