Friendless

I am feeling very depressed still. I had a falling out with a friend I've had since college fairly recently. It has hurt me badly...

Here is basically what happened. The last time I saw her, she came out to purchase a boat (without looking at it) on Vancouver Island and was in the process of moving from the east coast to living in a boat on the west coast, and maybe sailing down to Mexico. It was around the time I was turning 40, so she stayed a bit later to celebrate that. Then she left for awhile and came back a couple of weeks later, as the boat was not liveable. No heat or electricity. She waited until she figured out a new plan of what to do next.

In some ways, I am envious of her adventurous side. She's the type of person who seems comfortable going from place to place, and does something as soon as she decides what to do. However, I also worried about her a lot. There were times I helped her out when she was staying with me, which wound up being well into January, which understandably upset my landlords. She has also gone a little crazy with her conspiracy theories and the like. Personally, I think she uses pot to medicate her various mental health issues, and in some people, it can create a paranoid state, which might explain her issues. I could get that sense from her when she was here anyways.

I even decided to give her my old Osho Zen Tarot card deck from college, and purchase a new one for myself. I felt like she needed it again, as well as some important things like an emergency kit. What hurts me is that she just carelessly left them somewhere on Vancouver Island. It felt like she wasn't grateful for it. Then out of the blue she leaves sometime during the day when she and I were going to do different things. I didn't hear from her and worried she might have gotten lost or worse, as she was new to the area and all. Then time goes on, a day, a week, a couple weeks, a month, two months... Finally I hear from her. She's apparently in Vegas in a mental hospital and needs my help to help her get a passport (as she also left that on Vancouver Island) in order to get home. So she sent me the forms to fill out via email, I print them off, fill out the paperwork, wait for her photos to arrive in the mail, and signed the back as described and sent it all back to her priority shipping with FedEx. She was able to go back home again, and went back to the east coast.

Then I never heard from her again. She got a new Facebook page, as I found it on Facebook, but she didn't once friend me. Honestly, I felt hurt. I felt like I helped her out so much and she just kind of brushed me aside like I didn't matter at all to her.

So a couple of weeks ago, out of the blue, she sends me an email with a bunch of meme images in it that I'm sure means something to her, but I had no idea what they meant. I ask for clarification, and said it was nice to hear from her again, and she responded with "I'm a ninja!" Okay...

After one more email of memes, some of which were the same, she emails to tell me she's in Richmond and wants to know if I will give her a ride to the Peace Arch border crossing (which is actually about an hour drive from where I live and back). This actually pissed me off. Once again, here she is, asking for my help. I think she's become homeless and is suffering from that mental illness that enables them to ask people for help all the time. This by no means means I don't sympathize with the homeless, as I know our capitalistic system sucks. It just angered me.

I responded with a brief, curt "Sorry, no." She responds "No to the Chinese buffet or to the ride to the border?" I didn't see an email asking to go out or hang out with me and go to this buffet, which we went to the last time she was here as it was a vegetarian buffet. However, it has since closed down, as that whole area is now being torn down and is going to be built into condo apartments with businesses in the bottoms. And again, I didn't see any other email asking me to hang out with her or eat out. Only a request for help. Again, I respond curtly with short email saying "no to the ride to the border".

I then took a deep breath and thought I needed to write her and explain why I was being so distant. I told her how much it hurt me the last time when she asked for help, which I gave, but then she cut me out of her life like I meant nothing to her. I told her I still love her and would love to hang out with her, but I will not be able to help her get to to the border. I also needed to know she loves me just as much, because at this point in my life I am so tired of giving constantly and getting nothing back. I love with all of my heart, but rarely do I feel that is reciprocated. I wind up feeling used.

That was the last I heard from her. Checking on her Facebook page, she did make it across the border and is basically now homeless in Birmingham. I don't know if she plans on staying there or continuing to travel somewhere else. And frankly, I don't care anymore. She seems to be so incredibly self-absorbed as of late that she's pushing a lot of people, both family and friends, away. Yet she feels like she's the one who isn't being loved.

It has been really hard to do this. I do love her so. She was the longest friend I have ever had. But I now realize that I was holding on to the memory of her when we were in college together. Two young adults, staying up late working on various art projects, hooked on caffeine, and laughing and giggling about the silliest of things. At the time, I felt like we were soul sisters. We were very different people, yet we got along so wonderfully. She encouraged me to break out of my shell a little bit and try to be more adventurous. I encouraged her how wrong Christianity was. (That is a very funny story which I don't feel like sharing right now, but yeah... it happened.) We kept each other sane during those hard college days.

One thing you have to understand about me is that I had a year in-between high school and college where I was seriously stuck. I didn't qualify for college because I needed Social Studies 30, instead of SS33. I did take that course correspondently and probably got a way higher mark than I would have in school, as I always struggled in social studies as a kid. I realize now looking back it had more to do with the stupid group work and being forced to sit next to jerky boys who would insult me all class long. When you are being outcasted and insulted a lot, you don't want to work in groups. No one listens to you. In fact, I remember one class we were divided into two teams and were playing a sort of game show like thing. I knew the answer to a question asked of us. I kept trying to tell them or get their attention, as they were all struggling to find the answer and appeared to not know it, but they ignored me as though I wasn't there. So I turned to the teacher and responded. It was of course correct and we got the point.

But that year in-between high school and college wound up being the worst year of my life. I was stuck. I didn't have a license, so I couldn't leave Strathmore. I tried to apply to so many places for work, but I would hear some of the kids who would insult me tell the manager not to hire me when I was leaving after the interview or dropping off of the resumes. I was really stuck. I became very depressed and felt like I was never going to get out of there. I started turning towards obsessions, like comic books and Star Trek: TNG. That show was on every weekday at 5:00 at the time, so I must have watched every episode dozens of times that year. In fact, I even remember becoming enraged when my Mom decided to call the comic book store my brother and I went to in Calgary once a month and cancel my shelf. (Regulars got their own shelf in this store, where all the comics you wanted would be saved for you when you arrive to pay for them.) I was basically making money with allowance at the time. I understand now why my Mom wanted to do that, but back then comics was all I had. Take that away, and what am I to do? It was an incredibly painful year.

I was finally relieved of that situation by getting accepted into Medicine Hat College. I did decide to quit comics as I knew I couldn't afford them anymore and likely wouldn't have the time to read them anyways. Art school is very intense work. A lot of homework. I mean, you have no idea how much homework you wind up getting. Lots of classes all requiring you to do projects for the week, and some were like Art History classes, so you had to memorize artists and dates and what inspired the artists, etc. Very intense.

I was still nursing some wounds from being insulted and ostracized in school and was basically unconsciously giving out a "stay the Hell away from me" vibe. In fact, it was this friend who told me that years after the fact, as I asked her what her first impression of me was. I met her in the first year, as we had some classes together. We weren't really that close at first. It wasn't until the third year in college, when I decided to move out of the sex-crazed, partying dorm townhouses, and move in with her, after a brief stay in someone's house for a month or so that was way on the other side of town. I just wasn't comfortable there, as the place was owned by a single older guy, and the other college kid was also a guy. Nothing ever happened or anything, but it did make me feel somewhat uncomfortable. My friend's apartment was not too far away from the college, and she needed a roommate, so it was perfect timing.

I haven't been the best at making friends. I've struggled with it most of my life. But I held on to the belief that I had at least one friend, and that kept me going. Now, I don't know what to do... I feel kind of lost. I suppose I am going through a grieving process at the moment.

It made me realize that I am a lost person in a world of uncertainty. I don't feel a connection to many people anymore. When this whole thing came down, I immediately decided I was going to go to southern Ontario to see relatives I either haven't seen since I was a teenager (or maybe during my wedding) or have never actually met. Basically, I've gotten interested in watching those genealogy shows on TV lately, and I'm interested in finding out where I come from. I just really want to make connections with people... I don't know how else to do it. Maybe this is crazy and impulsive, and the tickets were kind of expensive, but I just feel at least once in my adult life I should try to see if I can make a connection with all these relatives I barely know.

Anyways, I guess I just felt like getting this all off my chest. It's been very painful, but in a way, also kind of empowering. I felt like the first time in my life I decided to put my foot down, say no to a huge request made of me, and needed to know if I mattered at all to her. It might not have been the answer I wanted to see, but at least I got it. I do feel like I stood up for myself; like I no longer want to be just the giver in a friendship without receiving anything back. It takes a lot of energy to do that, and I just don't have it in me anymore.

Thanks for reading, for those who do.