Losing the battle

I admit it. I’m feeling very much like I’m losing the war against the depression beast. I feel like all my armies have been wiped out and there’s only a handful of soldiers left.

It is difficult to put into words what I am feeling, but I will attempt to try. Because I am writing about this and inevitably sharing it doesn’t mean I am complaining about my problems or that I want unsolicited help. It means I need to work through what is going on in my head.

I’ve been feeling like my whole life has been an uphill battle. I seem to struggle with things others find easy to do. Even before this whole covid thing hit, I didn’t have much of a social life. The ways I would feel less alone is if I could go to a mall and walk around, or treat myself to dinner and a movie, or even just occasionally eat in a fast food dining environment, just to be around other people. Post covid, there haven’t been many who do, but it was still nice to be able to.

Just before the weekend, the provincial health authority said it was okay to gather outside in groups of up to 10 people, socially-distanced of course. Yesterday they announced after midnight tonight, no more eating in public restaurants. Which means we have to eat outside. Which means I get more exposure to cigarette smoke which already destroys my sinuses. And why? What for? Has there been a direct link associated with restaurants? Not much information other than “do what we say”.

I think I’ve been pretty good at following all the safety protocols, but I’m starting to see the side that thinks we are taking things way too seriously and blowing them out of proportion. In a year, there’s been no movies in theatres to view, not much dining in other than occasionally at Burger King. I hate drive-they because by the time I get the food home it’s ice cold. And I don’t live more than 10 minutes away. Also takes away even more socializing, so for us lonely types, what are our options? I’m growing impatient and worried about all these businesses and people working there who have already been hurt hard during the past year and have been following every guideline there is.

But it’s more than just being lonely. I’m feeling a constant pressure with regards to money. It seems like I’ve always been struggling with it. I’ve been feeling like I’m trapped in a well, with water gushing in. i thought I was finally starting to get some relief with the TFSA investments. I had managed to accrue $10,000 when the market started to crash because of covid. In 2 weeks, I lost $1,000. I already was struggling to pay my bills when work decided to cut our hours in half. I decided to cash out my TSFA as I didn’t want to lose any more money and needed that safety cushion. I did feel safe for awhile, but I decided to try to pay down some credit card debt here and there along the way. I thought that was a good idea, but now I wish I had just done the minimum payments. A year later and all my savings are basically gone with not much debt relieved from my credit cards.

After a paycheque cut in half, most of the office decided to try to see if we could get on the CERB program. I was the only one who didn’t because when I heard it was taxable, I knew it would come back to bite me. Everyone else wanted help now. I had to choose between taking this deal or a permanent layoff from work. At the time, who knew how long this would last, and I was fairly certain I would never get hired anywhere again, so I took the deal. Now I’m stalling on completing my taxes because I now owe $1900+ back to the government because of CERB. I can’t afford that.

This seems to have been a final straw for me. I have become disenfranchised with capitalism over the last 5 years or so, but this felt like a betrayal. I feel like now someone is holding my head down forcefully under the water in the well. No matter how hard I struggle, it’s become too powerful to fight against.

I am so tired. Tired of everything. Tired of working just to barely pay the bills. Tired when waking up as I think the stress/anxiety and possible sleep apnea is keeping me from getting a decent night. Tired of trying. And for what? What exactly is the point? Why am I doing this? It’s not even making me happy. I like what I do. I like the things we make. I just don’t know what the point of it all is if I’m not able to survive on it.

Some have told me not to worry about something as trivial as money. But what else do I have? I’m alone. I have no partner, or roommate, and the cat doesn’t really contribute to the pot. People really don’t know how hard it is to live paycheque to paycheque, having to use a credit here and there to get groceries or new tires or something you weren’t expecting coming up. It’s amazing how fast those accumulate on credit cards when you are paycheque to paycheque. “You just need to learn how to save money” I get told. Yeah... I tried that. It didn’t help and didn’t work out. How can you save any more money?

I just feel very defeated. I’m having a hard time getting the desire to get out of bed in the mornings. I feel like I’ve thrown in the towel. I’m ready to start waving the white flag. I don’t know, Linus. I just don’t know.

I don’t even know how to move forward. I feel so tired, drained of all energy, and don’t even know why I keep getting back up after I keep getting kicked down. Maybe I should just stay down? 😞