New Year, New Me?

Hey... Yeah, last half of the year 2019 sort of wound up being a crap show. My mood drastically went down, depression took over, I began to feel hopeless, and my migraine issues continued to persist.

The migraine issue may have been fixed. My supervisor got me a cover for my florescent light in my office and I haven't had a migraine since. However, I do notice there is still a slight pressure feeling that never goes away on the right side of my head, behind the eye. I did talk to my doctor about it, got referred to a neurologist, and he decided to give me an MRI referral. It took almost 3 months just to get a call back to book the MRI, then a few missed calls from both of us. I finally got ahold of them yesterday around noon and booked an appointment for 10 pm that evening at the hospital, and told to arrive at 9:30. The #snowmageddon started around the time I left. After it was done, I went home and headed straight to bed. Woke up this morning to about 3 inches of snow on my car... much more on the ground.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my issues with depression. It has led me to some issues with work. I had far too many sick days last year. Most of them were migraine related, but a few were simply because I was über depressed. Especially in November-December. I finally got punished for it, as I have been reduced to a 4-day workweek instead of full-time at the beginning of 2020, and any more times it happens, I will be let go. So I am very motivated to figure out a solution to this crap.

For those who read my blog fairly regularly, I made a reference once to maladaptive daydreaming. I have realized that a lot of the scenarios that I have playing in my mind, wind up being ways to solve my current dilemmas or situations. I believe deep down we all know what the best thing to do is or how to solve our problems, but sometimes we let our minds or emotions muffle those solutions.

Fairly recently, one of my scenarios involved an eight year old girl named Jenny feeling pressured to live up to a certain standard, as her sister is a genius and her brother a hero. She was having a conversation about it with another character aged 15 named Lois. Jenny was worried that she'd be just plain and ordinary, nothing really extraordinary about her. Lois gave her some sound advice. It seriously gave me an a-ha moment.

"So what if you are ordinary? There are a lot of people in this world who are ordinary people who get up every day, go to work, come home to their families and that's it. Nothing exceptional happens to them, and they are quite happy. The secret is to enjoy whatever experiences life brings you."

BOOM! Nailed it! This had me finally acknowledging what my major issue is, which is that I want to make a name for myself and be "extraordinary" or famous in some way. Because I am not, I feel more inclined to feel bad about myself. Like I somehow am not living the way I wanted to. I think part of it is because of celebrities or public figures who show off their lavish lifestyles. I have stopped watching award shows simply because to me it feels like treating them like they are above us... I don't get awards for anything anymore. I did at some point with some things I did regarding design back in the old newspaper days, but not anymore.

I also feel a need to prove myself to all the idiots who insulted me, but fail to do so and am constantly haunted by them. Back awhile ago, I picked up Wil Wheaton's book Just A Geek from a bookstore in Wetaskiwin, back when I lived there. It was the first time in my life I read a book from cover to cover without putting it down. I had previously tried running for a provincial seat under the Alberta Green Party, but had zero support and no money. At the time, the Greens were struggling with setting up electoral districts and funding. I felt like a complete loser for dropping out. Reading Wil's book was just what I needed to read at that time.

For those who haven't read it (which I highly recommend you do so), basically it's a story where he talks about his decision to quit Star Trek. He wanted to "prove to everyone" that that was a good decision. I realized I had that desire to prove myself to everyone that I will be a success in spite of the many people who insulted me or put me down. I can't let those bastards win! But I have in some capacity because I am still anchored down by those bastards. By having that desire to prove myself to everyone, it created this desire to be well-known or famous in some way. That is where that desire to be a provincial MLA came from, too. Another way to be famous or extraordinary.

I have to let that desire go. I don't need to prove myself to anyone. I can be happy with myself and my life. It is hard when it seems like the chips of capitalism are stacked against me and the rest of the 99%, or the news of the day about something horrible going on, but I can't do anything to change that.

Happiness comes from within, not from without. That is something I need to remember. I create my own world. If there is something I don't like about it, then fix it where I can; I just need make sure I am doing it for my own betterment and not because I'm trying to prove myself to anyone.

It has given me a greater appreciation for my life. I don't know if it will cure my depression or not, but I believe it's a start.

Anyways, I should wind this blog up. Thanks for reading, for those who do.